undone

My Fascination with Fireworks

2011-07-03T22:21:00.003-04:00

Why am I so fascinated with fireworks? Especially on a warm summer's eve with just the right amount of breeze blowing through my hair.

Maybe my reasons are the same as yours...

Fireworks evoke feelings. They are loud and sometimes scary. Your body shakes, your chest pounds, your eyes pop, your ears ring, your nose smells, and your heart remembers back to times before when you sat underneath a dark sky...with your parents, your friends, your first love. They make you wonder. They are mysterious, marvelous. They are special, they make you feel special, and smile...

They broaden your mind for a quarter of an hour, maybe more...to something bigger than yourself. Their loudness, their bigness makes you dream, wish, even dare to hope...and maybe you'll leave ready to do something you thought was impossible before. Because who would've thought something as brilliant as this could light up the sky?

"God can do anything, you know--far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams!" Eph. 3:20a

eating the mystery

2011-05-17T12:21:00.013-04:00

About 15 years ago, my Aunt Ruby gave us a simple jar with little slips of paper which we were supposed to use to write down ways that God provided for us, big or small. The beauty of this would be that over time, we could pull these slips of paper out and remember, give thanks. It is called a manna jar.

I've always thought this jar was a wonderful idea, but until recently did not realize how crucial this concept of giving thanks actually is to the life of a believer. Why? Because remembering with thanks is what causes us to trust--to really believe. Brennan Manning says, "The foremost quality of a trusting disciple is gratefulness."

I'm currently reading Ann Voskamp's book One Thousand Gifts and being steadily convinced that gratitude breeds trust. That most of the lack of joy in my life is caused by my lack of trust in the goodness of God. But by counting the blessings in my life, I will discover Who can be counted on.

Even in the dark moments when remembering doesn't kindle a grateful heart, but rather a wounded heart. Even then. I have one memory that covers them all. Christ. "He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all--how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?" (Romans 8:32) To use Ann Voskamp's words...If God didn't withhold from us His very own Son, will God withhold anything we need? How will He not also graciously give us all things He deems best and right? The counting of all blessings is ultimately summed up in One.

So, my manna jar gives me the perspective of years. I can remember and give thanks. And this feeds my trust. And likewise, my joy. And I eat the manna, that mysterious provision from God that gives me life.

"For really, as long as I live, travel, is there ever anything else to eat? I either take the 'what is it?' manna with thanks, eat the mystery of the moment with trust, and am nourished another day--or refuse it...and die. Jesus calls me to surrender and there's nothing like releasing fears and falling into peace. It terrifies, true. But it exhilarates. This, this is what I've always wanted and never knew: this utter trust, this enlivening fall of surrender into the safe hands. There is no joy without trust!" (Ann Voskamp)

Reflections on the Crazy Summer of 2010

2010-09-20T12:09:00.011-04:00

Our time with all of the WHM missionaries in Greece was wonderful. All of my leadership responsibilities went well and there is a lot of excitement about things that God has been doing in and through WHM. But by far the best parts of the week were those times spent in prayer (2-3 hours a day!) hearing our missionaries hearts and getting to intercede for them. There is something about gathering around brothers and sisters, laying hands on them and then praying, crying, and pouring your heart out in prayer over them that is truly a taste of heaven and we slurped it up like kids eating ice cream for the first time.

We were able to reconnect with lots of old friends and meet some new ones too! In Denver I got a chance to catch up with former Naperville Presbyterian pastor and church planter, George Garrison. Nashville brought us together with Nate and Kara Conrad for a few days and several Chicago buddies spread around the country now. Jennifer was able to see at least some of you when she and Parker where unexpectedly back in Chicago for two weeks thanks to some frequent flyer miles (and the chaos that ensued over the tickets). And we were able to host Matt and Erin Young as well as Barry and Amy Schutter (our London-Southall church planting team leaders) here in Philly.

We enjoyed a much needed ministry break over vacation. Now that Parker is older we want to start exposing him to some of the cool things on the east coast. So in August we went to Washington D.C. for 3 days and visited the Smithsonian, saw some of the monuments, strolled by the White House and the Capitol, heard a concert by the Army Band (with live cannons for the 1812 Overture), ate at 5 Guys Burgers, visited Ford's Theater where Abraham Lincoln was assassinated, and saw Marine One fly over the mall and past the Washington Monument with President Obama aboard. After that we headed up to a quiet cabin near Lake George NY and enjoyed a week in the Adirondacks taking it easy (though we did visit Vermont, Lake Placid and tour the Ausable Chasm... which we highly (!) recommend).

I was able to see again just how much my heart needs the gospel because it resembles "Mars Hill" in Athens. When Paul was in Athens, he preached a sermon at Mars Hill (aka the Aeropagus) which is recorded in Acts 17. If you've had the chance to visit there, you'll know the hill is a rocky outcropping, that is hard and slippery, with no shade or plants and it is overlooked by the famous Acropolis. It was a stunning reminder to me of just how much my heart looks just like this-hard, slippery and inhospitable-without the gospel being brought to it and preached to it every day. And as if to prove the point, God generously allowed me see how my heart was worshiping at the altar of one of my "unknown gods." Instead of enjoying my time with Jennifer and Parker, I chose to worship my own expectations and plans and bicker about what we were going to do next and how long we should spend doing it, instead of just soaking up the atmosphere and the company of my family. When we harden our hearts by holding on to something too tightly, inevitably they turn stony like Mars Hill and grace runs off them without soaking in. I'm sure a lot of people have visited Mars Hill and read Paul's words to the Athenians. I visited Mars Hill and heard Paul's words speaking to me and my tendency to worship my own counterfeit gods.

And in some ways, that's just as good of a picture of the life of a missionary as any. Who better to go and bring a gospel of good news freedom to those with stony hearts who follow false gods, than one who himself is having his stony heart made new and who is learning to slowly release his grip from the false idols of self and security? Who needs the gospel more than one who has multiple "altars to unnamed God's" in his heart and who is learning that his True Dad is not far off and in his love and grace and beauty and mercy we live and have our being?

Fun Facts
This summer the Knaak's combined for a total of :

* 17,808 miles in the air on 11 different flights
* 53 nights with one or more of us away from home
* 18 new WHM missionaries were approved and/or went through our orientation process that I'm involved with
* 10 different cities visited
* 10 train rides to and from various airports, too many subway rides to count, and trip from Philly to D.C. on Amtrak!
* 10 states encountered
* 4 rental cars (who knew the Chrysler Town and Country mini-van was so nice?)
* 3 countries enjoyed
* 3 rounds of golf (2 with Parker and his first set of clubs)
* 3 times we had scheduling problems with flights
* 2 general assemblies attended
* 2 retreats to participate in
* 2 colds... which totally sucked
* 2 weeks of vacation
* 2 weeks in Chicago (for Jennifer and Parker)
* 2 Phillies games (including Parker's first big League Game)
* 1 ferry ride (a first for Paker!)
* 0 times that our luggage was lost-how miraculous is that?!

What a difference two years can make...

2010-04-16T03:29:00.005-04:00

Two years ago, Patric and I were transitioning from our life in IL to our new life here in PA. We were grieving the loss of living daily life with many, many dear friends in IL...as well as saying our final good-bye here on earth to his mom who fought a long battle with cancer. And come the Spring of 2008, it was time to figure out how to make life work here.

So, one of the things I decided to do was to go the women's retreat at the church I thought we were going to end up attending. I didn't know anyone going on the retreat, and I was very fearful. I called up the woman in charge (now, a dear friend) and had her put me in a room with 3 other women that I didn't know. The weekend came and it was a blessing to me beyond words.

Two years later...the Spring of 2010. I was now the woman in charge of the retreat at our church. :) And now I know every woman who went on the retreat. I was able to assure fearful women who weren't sure they wanted to come because they didn't know anyone. The weekend came and it was a blessing to me beyond words.

It's hard to say which of these two retreats were more meaningful to me in the different phases of my life. But this I know, God meets me where I am. Provides for me what I need. Is gracious and kind. And what the pain of transition during these two years has shown me is that I can trust him. He is the one who is always with me.

"So, do not fear, for I am with you..." Isaiah 41:10a

Pray Without Ceasing... yeah, right

2010-04-01T16:19:00.004-04:00

Recently, I’ve been leisurely reading Paul Miller’s A Praying Life (fabulous!! can’t recommend it highly enough) and as he was writing about “praying without ceasing” I was really brought up short. All of my 30+ years of walking with Jesus, I always assumed that the way to “pray without ceasing” was to be focused and determined; to just grit my teeth and say “I will do this, I will do this, I will do this….” That’s what maturity looks like right? You know what to do and then set your strengths on accomplishing it because the Bible says to do it.

But what caught me off guard was the fact that I’ve never (ever) been able to pray without ceasing by trying to do it this way. Heck, I’ve never even been able to pray for 15 minutes a day by doing it this way.

The “aha moment” was when I realized that my strength would never be able to make me into an “always in conversation with God” person, but my weakness would. When I see just how weak, needy and poor I am; when I know that my life doesn’t really work and I can’t make it work; when I am consistently conscious of my inability to love others or change deeply ingrained sin patterns then I become the type of person who is always talking to Dad.

When I am aware of my weakness and inability, then constant prayer is as natural as breathing. But when I’m busy trying to be my own savior (or looking to all of the other false sexy Jesus’ that this world conjures up), praying without ceasing is no more possible than sprouting wings and flying to Nova Scotia. Thirty years of walking with the Master, tens of thousands of dollars in theological education, years in ministry and I never realized what every toddler instinctively knows… when you can’t do it on your own, you’re naturally going to rely on Daddy.

(a little daunting to think that a lot of you who read this blog pay good money so that I can mentor pastors, missionaries and other christian leaders, isn't it!)

Good Reminder About My Spiritual Growth

2010-03-22T09:55:00.005-04:00

Eugene Peterson is one of my favorite authors. Because I went the route of academic post-graduate work instead of going to seminary, I missed a lot in the way of the "older, wiser, more experienced fathers of the faith" teaching me as a young, brash, intense person what being a pastor really looks like. You can probably just imagine what was "unleashed" at Naperville Pres. when I first started working there!

In the introduction to newest book, an extended meditation on growing up in Christ via the Epistle to Ephesians, Peterson talks about the the need to "practice resurrection":

The resurrection of Jesus establishes the conditions in which we live and mature in the Christian life and carry on this conversation: Jesus alive and present. A lively sense of Jesus' resurrection, which took place without any help or comment from us, keeps us from attempting to take charge of our own development and growth. Frequent meditation on Jesus' resurrection--the huge mystery of it, the unprecedented energies flowing from it--prevents us from reducing the language of our conversation to what we can define or control. "Practice resurrection," a phrase I got from Wendell Berry, strikes just the right note. We live our lives in the practice of what we do not originate and cannot anticipate. When we practice resurrection, we continuously enter into what is more than we are. When we practice resurrection, we keep company with Jesus, alive and present, who knows where we are going better than we do, which is always "from glory to glory."

Eugene Peterson, Practice Ressurection

just sharing a song i heard today...

2010-02-18T14:10:00.003-05:00

Come Home

Performed by- Overflow

All my hopes and dreams came true today
My life won't be the same
You opened up my eyes and let the healing begin
You brought me hope within

You took away the chains that once held me down
Now I can hear You say

Come home, come home
You're calling me into your arms
I've been gone, for so long
I can hear You calling out my name

I can't believe how much You sacrificed
You chose death to give me life
I won't cry for myself anymore
I've found what I've been looking for
You were with me all this time

You've been watching me for so long
I can hear You calling out my name

I've been waiting, anticipating, patiently waiting for you

Worshipping the Hell out of our Hearts

2010-02-01T11:59:00.003-05:00

Jennifer here. :) Yesterday at church I heard an interesting phrase. And it definitely stuck with me. The worship leader used it as he led us into song..."worshipping the Hell out of our hearts." I like it. (thanks to whomever I need to thank at church for this phrase!)

How many times after confessing, repenting, and then believing, do we then feel like we need to DO something? to focus our thoughts, our energies in the right direction? but we know it's not about DOING. it's actually about worship. and in the process, we are actually worshipping the Hell right out of our hearts. beautiful.

Here's a song to get you going...

Praise is rising, eyes are turning to You, we turn to You
Hope is stirring, hearts are yearning for You, we long for You
'Cause when we see You, we find strength to face the day
In Your Presence all our fears are washed away, washed away

Ho- san- na, ho- sanna
You are the God Who saves us, worthy of all our praises
Ho- san- na, ho- sanna
Come have Your way among us
We welcome You here, Lord Jesus

Hear the sound of hearts returning to You, we turn to You
In Your Kingdom broken lives are made new, You make us new
'Cause when we see You, we find strength to face the day
In Your Presence all our fears are washed away, washed away

Jennifer's Condition--Follow Up 2

2009-09-25T19:51:00.003-04:00

We met with the GI specialist today. He was a nice man who listened well and seemed to understand well when I described my symptoms. He was not surprised that my gall bladder tests came back normal since most of my pain is on my left side. And, that's what I kept trying to tell everyone. So, he scheduled me for an endoscopy, but in the mean time gave me a script for an anti-spasm drug for the pain (which I feel like is already working). And he also wants me to take fiber pills and take/eat probiotics. His guess is that it's a simple matter of my colon just not functioning properly (not a structural problem), but with a little help, it should do fine.

The first available endoscopy slot wasn't until during Sonship Week, and I really don't want to have this done without Patric. The next one was on my birthday...no thank you! So, I'm scheduled for Nov. 13th. Obviously, if I need to have it sooner due to increased pain, I'll do so. But for now, my goal is just to get back into the land of the living. He said I probably won't be running any races any time soon, but I should be able to get out and walk. I'll take that! :)

Jennifer's Condition--Follow Up 1

2009-09-24T12:58:00.002-04:00

We heard back from the primary care physician today. The radioactive gallbladder test said that her gallbladder was normal, and functioning OK--aside from it now glowing in the dark. Next step is to see the GI specialist tomorrow, since we've ruled out so many other things so far.

Jennifer's Condition--Initial Update

2009-09-24T09:27:00.004-04:00

For all of our friends out there, we wanted to try and catch you up on what has been happening with Jennifer. We're sorry about the spotty communication, but as you can see below, we've been running a mile a minute. We'll update the blog regularly since we've been getting so many "how are you notes" and haven't been able to respond to everyone right away. If you know some of the story, feel free to skip down until you find new info. In the future, we'll do shorter (much much much shorter), more frequent posts, but this is just the "get everyone up to date post."

The Initial Problem
A few months ago Jennifer was experiencing significant stomach/digestive pain, especially after eating. She went to her primary care doc who did very little and essentially said, "Try to watch what you eat and take over the counter Nexium." Jennifer had been doing that now for several months, with some relief, but lately with growing bouts of significant pain. Over the summer she's had a few instances where she's either vomited, or really been bent over with pain, but then it would go away, and the symptoms were never exactly the same, or seemed like they may have been associated with something else.

Last Weekend
Last weekend Jennifer was going to go to a friend's birthday, but was again overtaken with severe nausea and pain in her chest, this time with a fever. After resting for the weekend, she felt marginally better, but not well, so she again went to see her primary care doctor. This time she was referred to a GI specialist. She has been disappointed with the quality of care from her doctor (no further medication, no help with the pain; but they did do an EKG to rule out a heart issue). But she was sort of stuck, so she was set to wait until Friday to see the GI specialist. I was scheduled to be in St. Louis for the week and had left on Monday as planned.

Monday afternoon when I was checking in to my hotel, Jennifer called in tears because the pain had gotten so bad. Her mother and a nurse friend her were suggesting that she go to the ER and not wait to see the GI specialist on Friday. This was complicated since no one was home to stay with Parker (though the nurse friend offered to come spend the night with him--Thanks Kim!!) Jennifer decided to wait until Tuesday AM and take Parker to school and then go to the ER.

Tuesday in the ER
Tuesday AM Jennifer went to the ER. Through out the day they did a whole series of tests: full blood and urine work, EKG, x-ray, ultrasound of her liver, pancreas, gallbladder and kidneys, and a CAT scan. They also gave her some drugs for the pain, but alas none of my beloved Vicodin. For the most part, all of the tests simply confirmed that there was nothing "major" wrong with her: no heart attacks, infections, masses etc., all of her major organs were healthy and working well. She talked to several ER docs and a surgeon or two along the way. Their best guess was that it was a gallbladder problem.

The underlying drama was that Jennifer wouldn't be released in time to meet Parker at the bus. She had a friend who volunteered, but who then also came down with severe abdominal pain and had to go see her doctor (Thanks Ashely! Hope you are feeling better too.) So with some last minute scrambling, WHM came to the rescue sending Ginny to meet Parker and then take him over to another WHM family's house for dinner (Thanks Ginny and Jodie!!). Jennifer then picked him up later that night when she was released.

Meanwhile I was still in St. Louis, getting text message updates and talking to Jen when she had a minute here and there, while trying to attend the seminar I was at. Eventually I decided it was just too much and so changed my ticket ($211 to travel the exact same route I would be traveling 2 days later, on the same crappy little plane... thanks you frickers at US Air for being so understanding... NOT!) and flew home on Tuesday, getting home at midnight.

Wednesday in Nuclear Medicine
There was a further scan that the docs had wanted her to have on Tuesday, but unfortunately due to a mix up she couldn't have it done while admitted to the ER. So on Wednesday, I got Parker ready for school (with a last minute bloody nose, meaning he couldn't ride the bus) and got him off and then we went back to the hospital. The test injected a nuclear isotope into Jen's blood stream that was tagged with a chemical that made it adhere to her gallbladder and liver. Then a series of time lapse pictures were take to determine 1) if there was any serious blockage (there was not as far as we could tell); 2) how her gallbladder was functioning. (those are the pictures up above)

Today, Thursday, we are supposed to hear back from her primary care doctor about the next step... see a surgeon? see her GI specialist? sue for malpractice?

Jennifer is still in a good deal of pain, and though very hungry, only able to eat limited amounts of certain types of food. For the time being I'll be taking care of the man and running things at home, while trying to be in at work during the day {in addition to the St. Louis trip, I've got an new person joining our team (Welcome Jeff!), a board meeting coming up where I have a few minor responsibilities and we were supposed to host a board member (may have to wait until next time Nathan!), and... SONSHIP WEEK which takes oodles of planning and we are now in the red zone in terms of work for the week. Plus all the other day to day stuff that just needs to happen week in and week out at work.}

What You Can Do
Send large cash gifts so that I can clone myself and then take Jennifer to an experimental pain treatment center in the Caribbean where we'll need to stay for 6 months. Or... pray! Right now we have some great support from the WHM office and a few of our new friends, so we're OK in terms of basic needs.

But we desperately need prayers for:
1) Reduction of pain and healing for Jennifer.

2) A clear, correct diagnosis from the Dr's so that we can find a good medical solution.

3) Patience and grace for me as I try to hold down my work responsibilities, take care of the household stuff, and be sure that Parker and Jennifer and being taken care of. There was a meltdown of epic proportions yesterday. Somehow I don't think the AWANA creators envisioned dads slamming their hands down on the table bringing tears to their 5 year old's eyes while shouting, "You will learn this verse! It isn't that hard, you just aren't trying." (Well, OK, they're a pretty militant bunch, so yes maybe they did envision that, but still...).

Thanks for all of your calls, texts and e-mails. The are wonderful!!! Please be patient with us, we simply haven't had the time or space to call everyone back, or respond by e-mail. It's very encouraging for Jennifer to hear from everyone, though she's been too drained to respond; so if you are willing, keeping sending us the good stuff knowing that we probably won't be able to call right away.

OK, more posts when we no more. For now, thanks for praying.

Slipping through my fingers...

2009-09-08T10:21:00.005-04:00

I just put my baby on the bus for his first day of Kindergarten. Can't believe he's already 5 1/2 years old. Can't believe someone else is going to be shaping his little mind, heart, and soul for 7 hours each day. Can't believe God gave him to us in the first place. Oh, what a precious gift! Oh, how I am going to miss him! Oh, how I need Jesus to help me let go.

I'm overwhelmed with gratefulness right now for the moments I've had with my dear son over the last 5 years. We've spent so much one-on-one time that I think I'm grieving the loss of that right now. But every time I have joked with him and said, "Please don't grow up. I love age (4)," the next year gets even better. So, I have hope that each year with each of its growing pains will be sweeter than the last as our relationship deepens.

When Parker was baptized, the verse we chose for him was Eph. 1:3-6, "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ. For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love, he predestined us to be adopted as sons through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will--to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves." ...I'm comforted knowing he's in good hands. :)

15 Feet of Gospel

2009-08-27T15:15:00.005-04:00

I don't want to share this, but I have to. Keeping with the whole "How does the gospel apply to us as a work place" theme that we've been exploring here in the Sending Center, here's a true story that happened just yesterday.

I had arranged to have a call with an outside organization about a conference that they wanted WHM to come and speak at. On our end I was going to be joined on the phone by someone else from the office. About 5 minutes before the call, I noticed that my co-worker, we'll call him Saul, hadn't come by my office yet. So I went to swing by Saul's office to see if he was ready to go.

As I was walking down the hall, about 5 feet before I got to his office I thought to myself, "He better be here! I went to the trouble of arranging the call and making sure the other organization knew that he was going to be there for it." And as soon as I saw his empty office, I immediately snapped to myself, "Well that's just great. Where is this guy?!"

As I continued to walk down the hall another 5 feet, I noticed the lights on in the conference room and I immediately thought, "Oh Patric.... You sad, small, judgmental legalist. Saul is probably in the conference room right now, attending our morning prayer meeting, praying for our missionaries and maybe even for your meeting. Why do you jump to such conclusions and never seem to think the best of your brother?" It was such a great reminder of how instantly my heart reaches out and judges someone for even the slightest infraction of rules in the "Fifedom of Knaak."

As I approached the conference room, I looked inside without breaking stride and saw that low and behold, Saul wasn't there either. My response, before I had even walked another 5 feet? "I KNEW it! I knew he wasn't in there and that he would be late. This is just like him. He better get here soon or I'm not going to be happy about this. At all."

So in the space of 15 feet I had judged Saul for not being in his office and ready to go, was then convicted of my sin and repented (assuming that he was in the prayer meeting), then sinned again against Saul with my self-righteous attitude as soon as I saw he wasn't in the prayer meeting either. Two rounds of sin and 1 round of repentance in the 10 steps it took me to walk 15 feet down the hallway. My heart turns on dime when it comes to sinning, but when it comes to receiving and resting and relying on the grace of God my heart responds like a semi-truck being pulled by Chihuahua.

And the best part of this... in the 30 seconds that I was gone to see where Saul was, he had called and left a very nice message on my voice mail saying he hadn't forgotten about the call and was on his way up the stairs right then. The call started right on time, with everyone present an accounted for.

I can't help but think that my big brother Jesus had a huge smirk on his face as I was listening to Saul's voice mail. For the Savior of the World, he's got a pretty good sense of humor, and he just loves irony.

The Injustice of Jesus

2009-08-26T08:45:00.003-04:00

In the Sending Center here at WHM, we've starting going through our new small group study, The Gospel-Centered Life in an effort to keep thinking about how the gospel renews and transforms us as work place.

A recent lesson on minimizing our sin got me to start thinking more about how and why I minimize my own sin, especially at work. One of the things that is definitely a "hot button" sin for me is the need to justify myself. Sometimes it is big, and grandiose, and I need to let everyone know about it. But most of the time it is far more insidious--it is a quiet, private, ongoing conversation in my head where I reply to each action and each response of everyone involved arguing my case, showing them how I'm right I am (or at least more right than they are). These sorts of conversations, whether public or private, always feature some element of, "I may not have done things exactly right, but that's because so-and-so ___________ (sinned against me first, didn't do what they were supposed to, is so stubborn and unrepentant, expects too much of me, doesn't understand how hard things are for me... take your pick). Ahhh... the heady elixir of blameshifting. It's hard to admit, but I'm addicted to it and no amount of resolution on my part will cure me of it.

So as I was thinking and praying these issues through, I was again reminded of a simple truth that I hadn't really thought about in a long time--Jesus knows exactly what it is like to have someone misread his motives and accuse him of something that isn't true. Although he was perfect, he came and lived and ate and worked with people who were decidedly not perfect. And as the quintessential human being, there was at least the temptation on his part to respond the same way I do when I feel that I've been treated unfairly. But he never does this does he? You never see Jesus walking around muttering to himself while mentally rehashing events, or yelling at the Pharisees, "Oh yeah. Well if you wouldn't have been such legalists to begin with, I wouldn't have had to turn Elias into a pile of dust! This is your fault."

The truly remarkable thing to me about Jesus' consistently perfect response to these challenges is that he KNEW he was right! Every single time something happened, Jesus knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that he wasn't misreading someone's motives, or going off half-cocked without all the facts. He knew that whatever sin was messing things up, it wasn't his. The false accusations, the willful rebellion, the stubborn refusals, the out and out rejection of him in favor of pet idols... in each and every case, Jesus would have been perfectly justified in executing the exact judgement that the law required, because he knew that he was never at fault. And yet the only judgement that gets executed is upon Jesus, as he pays for the sins of his children on the cross.

I think one of the many (many, many, many) reasons I fall so short of Jesus in this particular area is that I find it impossible to completely, utterly and totally rely on his merit instead of earning my own. Think about this for a second, Jesus never (ever) tried to establish his own reputation before men and women because he rested so secure in his Father's love for him and the identity that the Father had established for him. I think I can count on one hand the number of times I've had someone be in opposition to me at work where I've consciously and convincingly relied on the merit that Jesus has earned for me, instead of jumping in to start explaining why I'm right and they are wrong.

Sin has rewired my heart to be "auto-justifiying." I don't even need to try, it just happens. So here's to praying for more disruption and rewiring of my sin-hobbled heart. Here's to more situations where I can see clearly that my Father's love, Christ's hard earned merit, and the Holy Spirit's gentle helping and empowering offer me far more at work than a well worded e-mail, a well argued case, or a sense of "I may be wrong, but they are more wrong!" Here's to the seeming injustice of not defending my record, so that I can more desperately and clearly cling to Jesus' record.

Vacation Postlude

2009-07-27T16:40:00.007-04:00

We recently returned from vacation. One of the great things we did this year was return to the Stratford Shakespeare Festival, in Stratford Ontario. Seeing 7 plays in 4 days isn't everyone's cup of tea, but for me it's "rejuvenation therapy by drama."

One of the most interesting plays was Three Sisters by Anton Chekhov. The play traces the plight of three sisters who have been uprooted from their lives of culture and prominence in Moscow when their father, a general in the Russian artillery, is transferred out to a small town in the middle of nowhere and subsequently dies. Chekhov is masterful in his study of what happens to people when their deepest hopes and longings go unmet. The constant refrain of the sisters is that all will be put aright when they finally find a way to return to Moscow and their former lives.

The play had a bewitching, soul searching effect on me. It takes very little empathy to realize that "Moscow" in the play represents the deepest longings of the sister's soul--the things that if they were forced to live without would make life unbearable. To be honest, the play threw me into a bit of a funk for the better part of the next day! It really made me ponder the question, "Patric, what is it that your heart most longs, which you secretly fear will never come to pass?"

I'm not sure even now how to answer that question, other than to say deep in my soul there are many, deep, primal unmet desires and more often than not, I simply see Jesus as inadequate to meet them. In the same way that "Moscow" represented much more than a city for the sisters, so too "career," and "relationships," and "money," and "security/control," represent so much more for me. The play, if nothing else, was a stark reminder to me that the in the warp and weave of my life's journey, I long for much that will never be fulfilled, except by Christ. And in the stillness of those moments, all too often my unbelieving heart clutches and panics in the same way my lungs do when I've been underwater for too long.

One of the deep truths of my life is that I'm afraid that even Jesus will never be enough for me. What happens if at the end of my life I look back on all that has been said and done (or left unsaid, and undone) and find that I have never truly been fulfilled, or content, or loved enough to abandon my own selfish agendas and truly love others? What happens if in the midst of suffering and pain, I come to believe that Jesus is no longer willing to be good to me? Some deep part of me is afraid that Jesus--no matter how good, or strong, or loving, or wise--will never be enough to give me the peace I so desperately crave and which I so resolutely refuse to enjoy because it requires that I surrender my will to him entirely.

I do believe that Jesus is my only hope in life and death. (Help my unbelief.) And I do believe that Jesus has secured the Father's unbridled delight for me. (Help my unbelief.) And, as The Three Sisters reminded me, I also believe that there are things other than Jesus which will give me what he will not. (Help my unbelief.)

So in light of all this, what is your heart longing for? What is the thing that you secretly want more than anything else, and that if you do not get it, will make you discontent for the rest of your life? The gospel doesn't just free us once. It frees us every day, because our idols are new every day.

The Uganda-Naperville Connection

2009-06-28T19:28:00.002-04:00

I have to admit, I'm a little dubious about most of the claims of modern technology. Machines can't do what a few minutes of face to face, heart to heart connection can.

Yet... there are times when technology does seem to make things possible that even a few short years ago would have never happened. When I started working at World Harvest, I started reading the blogs of our missionaries. Each entry is kind of like a "from the battlefield" report on how the kingdom is advancing around the world. Over time, I've passed along some of those stories to others, and in turn, they have also passed them along.

So imagine my surprise when Amy Pasqualini (on staff at NPC in the Children's Ministries department) wrote to say she'd had enough, was going to do something about it. Amy had been reading the blog of our team leader's in Uganda, as they noted the low supplies of HIV retro-viral drugs. So Amy took it upon herself to write letters to a few news outlets asking if they would consider highlighting the plight of rural Ugandans. And lo and behold... one of them did!

So the follow story appeared in Friday's Naperville Sun newspaper. Thanks to Amy, for making an effort when it seemed futile, and thanks to Drs. Scott and Jennifer Myhre for their ongoing love for all things Uganda.

You can read the Sun article here.

You can read the original blog entry from the Myhre's here.

Reading a blog isn't same thing as being there... but it does give you a front row seat to the ways in which our world is broken, and how Christ is coming to heal, redeem and make all things new.

And as a techno-skeptic, it has also reminded how grateful I am for all of the ways that all of you are interwoven in my life... even if at times it has to be through blogs and e-mails instead of face to face.

Even My Vomit is More Righteous Than Yours

2009-06-10T08:07:00.000-04:00

Unbelief is an odd thing. It doesn't always look like I think it does.

Popular culture would have us believe that unbelief looks like a perpetual "dim night" of the soul where nothing is clear, nothing understood, nothing worth believing or living any more than anything else. And to be sure, there are some of us, who have stood with clenched fist, or searching, plaintive cry listening for an answer or response when none seems forthcoming. Or even worse, we've seen the best answers that can be marshaled and found them wanting.

I'd like to tell you that this is what my unbelief looks like too, if for no other reason than these versions of it seem understandable, "normal" if you will. But I was again reminded this weekend that I have a deep seated, flesh-driven sense that there is something other than Jesus, and his ways and his cross, which will make me feel full and content and free.

After what had been a pretty busy, but satisfying, weekend I was ready for a little down time. As I've grown older and busier, I've discovered an almost manic need for the opportunity to withdraw from human contact for a few hours a week. My shriveled soul needs space, silence, and solitude if it is to re-hydrate and be fit for human companionship.

So you can imagine where my heart started heading when 10 minutes into my peaceful reading session, there was a wail and then insistent crying from Parker who was tucked in downstairs on the sofa. A little further investigation revealed that he had thrown up all over himself, the sofa, his blankets and his pillows. And in that moment, seeing a vomit covered child, a vomit stained sofa, and my little boy who was scared and feeling unwell, I did what came naturally... I freaked out. By the time Jennifer came inside, Parker was standing in the kitchen dripping slime on the floor, saying over and over, "I didn't mean to do it, daddy. I didn't mean to." Yes, just another normal Sabbath day afternoon at the Knaak household.

At the time all the tears and apologies didn't do anything to quell my anger. After cleanliness and order had been restored by She Who Must Be Obeyed, we conducted our usual parental after action report.

"Patric!! What were you thinking. How could you yell at him just because he threw up?! He's just a little boy." (note from Jennifer: I don't remember saying it just like this. Maybe it was the H.S. getting to him? ;-)

"Yes, but you're missing the point."

"What point? I think when you have a five year old, covered in his own puke and a grown man freaking out, we've moved well beyond the normal situations where there is a point to be had."

"You're not listening to me. I wasn't yelling at him because he threw up! I was yelling at him because he didn't get up and go to the bathroom to throw up. Or at least get up off the sofa and get onto the kitchen tile. I would have even settled for any movement toward an appropriate venue. Don't roll your eyes at me! Over the last year, when he puked in our bed, did I complain? No. When he puked in his bed, did I complain? No. When he puked on me, and then you, and then me again, did I complain? No! I was calm. I helped clean up. But I've told him time and time again, 'Parker, when you are feeling like you might get ill, you need to immediately get up and go to the bathroom, or at least a garbage can.' He knows better than this! He did this out of pure carelessness. I think he knew what was going to happen, and just didn't bother to get up."

At this point in our conversation, Jennifer started looking at me like I had just thrown up all over the sofa. Seeing the sickness of my soul had elicited the same response from her that seeing the sickness of Parker's body had--it was really really sad, and really, really gross.

When I was talking about the event with some people at work this week, I started to see a little more of what Jennifer was seeing. It's true, I wasn't actually mad at Parker because he threw up--what kind of parent would get mad about that! I was mad that he didn't throw up the right way.

In my warped little head, things had followed this path--I had talked to Parker, lectured him, cleaned up his mistakes many, many times before, and thought that I had finally drilled it into his head--at the first sign of an upset stomach, immediately head for bathroom (or at least a hard, tiled surface). I don't have an iron stomach, so the sight that greeted me on Sunday afternoon would have likely stunned me even under the best of circumstances. But my anger really stemmed from the fact that Parker hadn't followed the rules, and now I was going to have to give up my peaceful afternoon and clean vomit chunks out of the sofa and living room carpet. Parker had failed to live up to my "vomit righteousness" rules, and so I did a nutty.

You'd be forgiven if you thought that we had gotten to the bottom of my sin here. Let's be honest, how much worse can it get than yelling at a sick child because he has failed to live up to your standards of "vomit righteousness"? Well... at least a little worse.

You see, this is what my unbelief looks like. It is an unbelief that whispers to me that even though Christ has given me everything I could ever need, it's not enough. It is an unbelief that is so deep, so insidiously intwined in my soul, that it needs to create rules, which when obeyed, will make me feel more righteous than other people. It's an unbelief that will cling to anything to help me prove to others that I'm better than they are. I've got "washing the car correctly righteousness" and "don't stand there with the door to the fridge open righteousness" and "how come I'm the only one who mows the lawn around here righteousness" and evidently I've also go "throwing up correctly righteousness." When any of these laws are violated, or challenged, or trampled, I can then see how much I rely on my efforts to make me a good decent person, instead of the righteousness and new identity that comes from Christ, and to which I have no claim, other than that it has been given to me freely as God's child.

In the clear light of day, with no bodily function emergencies, I can see how poor and weak this is. Who in their right mind would ever choose their own rules and expectations--with their enslaving desires and miserly rewards--over the freedom and joy of loving someone else through the power of the gospel? But that's part of what unbelief is... we are not in our right minds.

I'd like to tell you that I made all of this up. I wish that this was a hypothetical illustration to demonstrate how desperately our hearts will cling to the things that are "not-Jesus" in order to uphold our illusions of control or comfort. It would be great to finish by saying that now that I've seen the errors of my way, I'll never, ever, ever do that again. But it's just not true.

What is true, is that Jesus has come (and will continue to come!!) to me to lift me out of the vomit of my self-generated righteousness time and time again. With love and patience and tenderness, he has stepped in over and over again when my unbelief has covered me, or those that I love, with the foul taint of regurgitated sin. My heart is so desperate to prove itself good, and so mistrustful of what Jesus has already given to me, that I unintentionally make up rules that I think will generate a little bit of righteousness that I can claim as my own. And then I heap contempt and scorn on those who fail to meet those same standards and earn a little bit of righteousness of their own... even when they are little boys, with upset stomachs, who tried their best not to make a mess.

I don't now what your unbelief looks like. It may be clean and cool and detached. It may have elements of true searching and honest seeking, desperate to find better answers that have been so far offered. But I'd bet that somewhere down deep, there is a little bit of a desire to be "right" on your own terms, instead of forgiven on someone else's terms--even when that someone else is Jesus. I'm right there with you, on that one.

My unbelief is messy. It stinks. It splatters all over everyone in ways that have to be cleaned up, time and time again. When I move away from utter reliance on the One Who Was Pierced for Me, even for just a moment, my heart creates dumb-ass categories like "vomit righteousness" to try and cover the inadequacies that I know are there, and that I know that can't fix. Smelling the odor of my unbelief is also what causes my heart to long for a righteousness not of my own that comes through the law (and the laws I create for others), but one that comes from Christ alone.

Blessed are the Car Washers

2009-06-03T13:26:00.000-04:00

On Memorial Day, "the man" and I decided to tackle a little much needed maintenance work and wash my terribly dirty car. Now, I've partnered with Parker enough to know that when a five-year-old "helps" the total time of any project increases by about 150%. I also know that I'm pretty prone to getting "frustrated" (read... so caught up in my own agenda that I lose patience and inevitably end up violating Ephesians 6:4 regarding fathers exasperating their children). So I had promised myself that this time it would be different. This time it would just be me and the man, hanging out, doing our thing. Yah, right!

Kingdom Work

Working with Parker is always a picture for me of what my "kingdom work" looks like from God's perspective. In his own way, Parker was extremely dedicated to the car washing enterprise... he was just set on doing it his own way. Water was sprayed everywhere, clean brushes and sponges were cast aside in the dirt in the pursuit of other things that caught his attention, some parts of the car were washed over and over while others seemed obliviously overlooked, and clean parts were dirtied more than dirty parts were cleaned. And up to this point, Parker was having a ball!

"Accomplishing the mission" was clearly a distant 83rd priority compared to enjoying an afternoon with me and doing something together. He wasn't worried about outcomes, or procedures or if he was doing everything right. He wasn't uptight about whether or not he was fulfilling his life's calling or stewarding his gifts well. He wasn't trying to establish his own righteousness, or build his reputation, or prove to other people that all of his years of training and education made him a superb car washer. He didn't have any worries that if he didn't use just the right amount of soap, or clean every corner perfectly that maybe his dad would love him a little less. In fact there is no amount of expertise, experience, or skill that he was bringing to the job that I actually needed to get the car clean. He just wanted to be with me. He just wanted to be with dad, doing something together, content to let me set the agenda.

And if I didn't work at World Harvest, this is probably where I'd let the story finish. But by now you know it doesn't end here, don't you?

Temper

About 10 minutes into our project, my "there is one, and only one right way, to do something"-righteousness began to emerge. After all, what's the point of taking the time to wash the car if you aren't going to do it well? And what kind of father would I be if I didn't teach Parker the right way (my way!) to do things? Answer: I'd be the kind of father that didn't exasperate my child over inane issues.

So within 30 seconds of me starting to show the lad proper washing technique, it all started to go wrong....

"Hey, sport! How about if you stand over here and spray this direction. That way we won't get the parts we've already washed dirty."

"Ok, now. We need to be careful. You just got daddy all wet, and we are spraying dirty suds back onto the clean parts of the car."

"Parker Thomas!! Didn't you hear what I just said?!! Get that brush off the paint, and back on the dirty wheels!"

(as I am pulling him by the arm way from the car)

"Parker Thomas Graeme Knaak!! We just cleaned that door! Do you see what you did! Do you see the mess that you've just made! Now daddy is going have to wash this all over again! Why don't you listen. Now sit there and think about what you did."

Repentance and Death

Another vow broken. Another instance of my sin-stained heart leaking all over my loved ones. Another opportunity to be "the good dad" missed. In a little over 6 minutes, Parker had gone from son to slave and he knew it. What started out as joy and fun and being together turned into drudgery and shame and work.

And to tell you the truth, I was a lot more upset about his inability to meet the demands of my law that I was about my murderous, shaming parenting style. Until, I saw him slowly walking away, with his head downcast. Fifteen minutes ago he couldn't contain his joy. Now he looked like I had run over his stuffed dog with the lawn mower. But did I go over there and take time out to talk to him and bring him back into relationship. Sadly, no. Why, you may ask? Because I had a car to wash, or rewash as the case may be.

A little latter when we were inside I asked if we could talk. He didn't really want to, but he agreed. When I asked him how he thought the car washing went, he didn't say anything for a long time. And then one, giant tear slowly formed and slid down his smooth little cheek. That one tear was the distilled essence of my sin, not so subtly taken out on my child.

We spent a good little while talking. ("Dad, why do you talk to me like that. It's just rude!") And in the end I did my best to explain how my "frustration" with him indicated just how much daddy needs Jesus. Ten years of theological higher education doesn't really prepare you for the intensity of seeing your cold-hearted idolatry trample on your little boy's heart. I thought that I was trying to teach him how to wash a car properly. It turns out that he was teaching me just how much Jesus had to pay in order to set me free from my sins. I wanted him to learn how a good dad can have fun with his son. Jesus wanted him to learn how a needy dad can model repentance. A child's tears were the reminder that I needed to again come to grips with the fact that the blood which dripped from royal veins was shed as the only restorative capable of penetrating my sin-blackened heart.

One of the best things about having a younger child is that, much like pets and mothers, they don't hold a grudge very long. In a little bit, we were rolling around on the floor wrestling and giggling. All of the parenting books tell you to look for the "teachable moments" with your kids so that you can help them learn real life lessons. None of them tell you that you are actually the one who needs to the do the learning in those moments.

Yeah!! (oh, and I suck)

2009-05-22T15:10:00.000-04:00

The first day I came into work at WHM, there was a stack of letters on my desk with a sticky note saying, "GRN needs to look at these." In that stack was very nice letter from two guys out in Omaha who had written a "gospel primer" type study and wondered if WHM would be interested in publishing it.

Well, after two years, countless phone calls, hundreds of e-mails, lots of reading and discussion, the first new WHM material on my watch is set to be published--The Gospel-Centered Life. The entire project excites me for a lots of reasons: I've made two new friends in Bob and Will--the study's authors, it will be WHM's first foray into e-publishing, the material is really well done and I think will be very useful to lots of peopple, and it is giving me a sense that things finally are happening as a result of my efforts (even if it has been really slow). We'll be planning to launch the publication at the PCA General Assembly in June, so check the WHM website starting in July if you want more info.

Oh... and the other thing. Even in the midst of seeing a great new study get published, I am again reminded of my need for the gospel. As we have been finishing I've felt a little nagging sense of "sure it's a good study, but...." With a little reflection, not very subtle reflection I might add, I've pinpointed the cause.

My sense of unease and discontentment is because my heart is crying out, "What about me?! I'm not going to get any credit for this! This is stuff that other people wrote. No one is going to read this and thing, 'Boy that Patric Knaak guy, is really on the ball. This is great stuff. He sure is a great teacher.'"

At heart, even though I sit at a desk most days and do behind the scenes work, I still long for the glory of being "the man"--the guy who wow's the crowd with his teaching, or writes the big study, or gets his book published. Being an unnoticed servant, in the Upside Down, Invisible Kingdom isn't what my heart longs for. My heart longs for building my own record of merit and accomplishment, seeing my own reputation increase, and leaving my mark on things in ways bring me attention and praise. Which if you think about it is twisted in gloriously sinful ways: I want be noticed for my originality and skills, instead of having Jesus noticed for his grace and mercy. (Well of course I want Jesus noticed too... as long as he doesn't get in the way of me being noticed. Oh, dear.)

I'm not sure what others might learn from The Gospel-Centered Life. I'm learning (again!) that I'm never going to outgrow my need for Jesus... and there is a lot of goodness in that.

Good News!

2009-05-20T16:41:00.000-04:00

This year, World Harvest was named as a "Best Christian Workplace" by an outside organization that evaluates employee effectiveness, satisfaction, leadership strength and best practices.

While we aren't too wrapped up into the title, what it represents is important to us: a sense that as a Sending Center family we are continuing to grow closer to each other as we pursue excellence. The Best Christian Workplace's survey doesn't measure things like "leading by repenting" or "uncovering your idols." But it does help us know that despite the changes in leadership, a dodgy economy, the difficulty of sending, equipping and resourcing missionaries around the globe, God continues to work at WHM to enable us to be good stewards.

So, thank you to each and every one of you who has so graciously supported us, prayed for us, and encouraged us. It is a great blessing and honor for me to be able to serve at WHM as a result of your ministry to me.

Parker's Doing Great

2009-05-06T16:28:00.000-04:00

Thanks for your prayers for Parker! His surgery went well today, and he did great. Time will tell how well the ear tubes are working and if the nasal cautery does the trick to cure the nosebleeds, but so far so good! :) If you saw him right now, you wouldn't even know he had surgery today...we're the ones who need naps!

Thanks again for the overwhelming support of prayer...we have felt very loved and cared for.

Prayers for Parker--New Surgery Time

2009-05-05T09:29:00.001-04:00

Well, Parker won't have to wait so long to eat and drink tomorrow! :) His surgery has been moved from 12:30 pm to 7:15 am. Thanks for your prayers.

Prayers for Parker

2009-05-04T11:38:00.000-04:00

After a long winter of multiple ear infections, ear pain, and resulting hearing loss, the ENT has scheduled Parker for ear tubes on Wednesday this week. And while he's at it, Parker will also be having a nasal cautery to reduce the number of nosebleeds he gets. He is quite excited actually, because he's been getting bloody noses since he's been a baby and "sick of it!"

Since this involves general anesthesia, there's a certain level of anxiety, of course (on our part). But for Parker the worst part might be that he can't eat or drink all morning before the surgery, which isn't scheduled until 12:30! ;)

We would appreciate your prayers on Wed...and beyond. For a smooth surgical procedure and quick recovery. Thank you so much!

Doubts About the Speaker--CCO Debrief 3

2009-04-23T18:30:00.000-04:00

(the following is a continuation of previous post, reflecting in my ministry and Romans 1)

[My flesh speaks loudly, encouraging me to not allow others to see my weakness when I teach]

Of course, Jesus also speaks to me too. And when he does, his voice has that strange combination of mockery, sympathy, and love that only a true, heart friend can use with you. It is one of those rare gifts that kindred spirits share--the ability to encourage and guide, done in just the particular way that will be most meaningful to you, and which by it's very nature tells you, "You matter to me. If you didn't, I'd just command, or order, or ignore you." It's rich stuff.

So when Jesus mocks-sympathizes-loves-commands me he often says something like, "Helllloooo. Patric, you twit! What are you doing worrying about this? Creating righteousness is my work, and my work alone. What possible thing do you think you could ever point to in your life, that is of any worth whatsoever when it comes to making people more like me? You want to look good. I want you help other people see how much I love you. Come, rely on my performance instead of your own. Let me have every ugly thing that you think worthless, hurtful, and black and I will take those things and show other people how much more I can offer to you and to them. You have nothing to fear or lose. You tell your part of the story--the brokenness, the idolatry, the ugliness of self love--and I'll tell my part of the story--the grace, the beauty of self-surrendering love, and the redemption that sets people free. No one needs you to redeem anything! (As if you even could! What a mess that would be.) To be redeemed and healed and cherished, they need me. And how, exactly, are you going to let them know how much they need me, if you don't have some seriously messed up crap in your life that needs to be redeemed."

So at CCO, I gave the talk that Jesus wanted me give and not the one that I though would make me look best, or earn their respect. I talked about worshiping my idols, and murdering people in my heart when they dared to even remotely challenge those idols. I walked into the room fully dressed in my own reputation, and gifts, and abilities, and then slowly took them off--in front of 190 people I'd never met--until I was standing there in my swimsuit talking about the beauty of the cross, and my friend "Jesus the smart aleck" who also happens to be the Redeemer of the World. I invited people in, knowing that at least some of them would turn and run in horror when they heard my stuff.

And what did it feel like? It pretty much felt just like being nailed to a cross. Well, OK, not "just like" being nailed to a cross. More like, what being nailed to a cross would feel like if they were using thumbtacks. Puncturing, but not truly deadly. (Until of course I started to get adulation from the audience for being so "authentic and honest." Then my flesh started worshiping itself for being so bold and taking so many risks for the sake of the kingdom. Ugggghhhh.... So much gospel, so little time.)

Doubts About the Speaker--CCO Debrief 2

2009-04-21T20:56:00.000-04:00

(The following is part 2 of a short series debriefing a recent speaking experience I had--for the back story, scroll down to previous posts)

Over the last little bit as I've been thinking about my work at WHM, I've continued to come back to Romans 1:16-17:

¹⁶I am not ashamed of the gospel, because it is the power of God for the salvation of everyone who believes: first for the Jew, then for the Gentile. ¹⁷For in the gospel a righteousness from God is revealed, a righteouness that is by faith from first to last, just as it is written: "The righteous will live by faith."

So for the next several posts I'm going to do a little theological meditation on Romans 1 and my calling at WHM, through the lens of the recent CCO retreat that I and Meredith did (you can read about that event in the previous post). And for those you--like me!--who get a little worried about "theological meditation" replacing "solid exegesis" when it comes to today's bible teaching, I want to be clear. The following posts are not what I think Romans 1 teaches in an expositional sense, nor are they "my take" on Romans 1. I'm really just debriefing my heart condition with you, and Romans 1 has been the place that God has been using to cause me to think more deeply about these issues.

One of the parts of my current ministry that has been simultaneously wonderful, and I'll also admit it, pretty hard on my ego, is the way that God has been choosing to use my story to point people deeper into the gospel. The thing that is so striking about this is that:

I am "ashamed" about the parts of my story that God seems to use so much, and
The reason I am "ashamed" is because those parts of my story point out just how much I want a righteousness of my own making instead of a righteousness that comes only from God, that has been earned by Christ, and which then is given to me by faith (which is itself a gift from God).

The "main" life illustrations that God insists that I talk about center around my failures--my failure to earn a Ph.D., my failure in ministry to really love people well at my former church, my failure to consistently love Parker and Jennifer they way they deserve. I feel like every time I get up to speak at a WHM event that I'm answering the door to a formal dinner party dressed in my swimsuit! Everyone else has fine clothes, deeds and manners to hide their wobbly bits, and here I am "mid-western, winter white" with a rapidly approach, middle age flabby body, and inviting people into come into the living room of my life. My flesh screams, "No Patric don't do it again! Don't humiliate yourself like this. Don't tell them the truth. Don't reveal your flaws so deeply. They won't like you. The won't respond well. They'll reject you and your team mates will lose respect for you. Just tell a story of 'token-brokenness' and save yourself the trouble."

(continued tomorrow)

Just the Facts Ma'am--CCO Debrief 1

2009-04-20T09:05:00.000-04:00

Thanks so much to all of you who prayed for me last week and took the time to drop us a short note! It really was wonderful and tremendously encouraging to me.

I wanted to let you know how things went. However, I'm also a big believer in short(ish) posts so that everyone can keep up. So for the next week or so, I'll publish a couple of posts that have been occasioned by the speaking invitation from the Campus Coalition for Outreach, which are also a little more heart centered. The nuts and bolts update is below; the more reflective ones will come later.

In a nutshell, the retreat/seminar went very well. There were about 190 folks there all together, mostly campus staff, although the staff from the headquarters and some prospective staff were there as well. I taught the first and last of the three, 1-hour sessions, and my colleague Meredith taught the middle 1 hour session. (Meredith is a Virginia gentlemen who often informs me that in the genteel south, names such as his are more common place--though his full name is Basil Meredith Elder III, which explains why his son's name is Josh.) We also had 2 break out sessions which were more or less small group times. The rest of the time was taken up with CCO business meeting type stuff.

Meredith and I presented a simple, WHM-esque, 3 part introduction to the gospel, with specific reference to how that plays out in ministry. For most of the audience, I think that this was their first exposure to thinking deeply about the gospel in the ways we outlined. It's always hard to know how things go at an event like this (another post to follow on that topic), but all of the initial feedback was that the material was very engaging and well received. It was really, really great being with so many "younger people" (oh, how it deeply pains me to say that, but it's true, I was older than most of the campus staff who were there)--there was passion, energy, excitement. And of course, there was pain and brokenness. For a group that I had never met, and who didn't know me from Adam, I felt like we connected pretty quickly.

Meredith and I also spent some time with a few of their senior leadership to see if there may be other ways for WHM and CCO to mutually benefit from an ongoing relationship. There are lots of possibilities there, so we'll see what the Lord may bring about. BTW, having those sorts of conversations is one of the BEST parts about my job--seeing folks who are engaged in kingdom work, from all parts of the globe, and all walks of life all asking, "How might God be cultivating our relationship to help the kingdom go forward?" is just awesome.

So thank you so, so much for your prayers and encouragement. If you have time, check out the other posts that I'll work over the next little bit--those will tell you more about how my heart has been being challenged and encouraged.

When the "Next Thing" Shouldn't be the "Next Thing"

2009-04-14T15:58:00.000-04:00

This Thursday and Friday, I and a colleague are going to do a retreat for 180 staff of a campus outreach organization (Coalition for Campus Outreach), taking a look at what the gospel has to say specifically about our spiritual lives as ministers. And unlike previous speaking engagements I don't have a sense of fear, or dread, or "oh crap, how did I get myself into this mess (again!)."

Instead, I've been struggling with how this retreat has just become "the next thing" on my calendar. Don't get me wrong, I'm really looking forward to a few days in lovely western PA, hanging out with 20 and 30 somethings, listening to their hearts and encouraging them with God's love and grace. In fact, if you would have asked me a few years ago if this was the sort of thing that would get me excited, I would have jumped up and down and said, "Yes! Yes! Yes!"

But at the moment, I just have so many other things swirling around that this has become "the next thing" on my never ending to-do list. I think what this really highlights is my tendency to "leak the gospel." I just tend to lose track of the power, the beauty and the transformation that the cross brings into my life. And when that happens it's all too easy to look at a time of intense spiritual ministry, to a group of people who are on the front lines of the spiritual battle, as "the next thing" on my list instead of the joy and honor that it truly is.

And lo and behold, when I ask why this should be so, I keep coming back to the same basic answer: when my love for Jesus and all that he has done for me seems like old hat, my desire to share it with other people becomes just "the next thing."

So for the next little bit will you please pray that my heart will be again captured by the wonder of the gospel! Ask God to really cuddle me close to him over the next little bit as I finish up preparing for my talks. And most all, plead with our High Priest that I'll be spiritually on top of it enough to know that this event isn't about me, and get out his way so that it can be all about him.

Relaxed Intensity

2009-03-22T10:44:00.001-04:00

Thanks to all of you who prayed for my week long retreat regarding spiritual formation and leadership issues. It was a GREAT week. The best description was that it was a time of "relaxed intensity."

Every day we set aside time to meditate through scripture together and pray, catch up and talk about the day to day vagaries of being in Christian leadership, and then have intentional times of concretely inviting the others into our lives and struggles.

We adopted an event oriented schedule where we moved from event to event, letting each event unfold fully before we moved on, regardless of time. So for 3, non-super-high-extrovert types, having some form of non-stop conversation from 9am to midnight each night was fairly intense.

I can't tell you how important such time is for my soul, and dare I suggest it, for the other spiritual leaders in your life. Leaders carry unique burdens because of their role as leaders. Throw some personal insecurity and normal "flesh" issues in and then mix that with the demands of family, others and the seeming never ending stream of criticism, complaining or orneriness that is part of the package and you have a context which over years and decades can erode one's soul.

So thanks for praying for me and others, and if you ever get the chance, let me encourage you to encourage the spiritual leaders in your life to do the same. They probably need it, even if they don't know it yet.

Speed Kills

2009-03-14T18:44:00.000-04:00

One of the truths of the spiritual life, is that over time, speed kills. Being too busy for too long, running too hard too regularly or failing to heed Jesus' own patterns of engagement and withdrawal from ministry are all dangerous patterns.

This week, with the encouragement of my supervisor and other mentors, I'll be taking a week to "work differently" as I attend a leadership & spiritual formation retreat with a couple other 30-something leaders. In the 2 years since I started raising support to join the WHM family, I've had precious little time for personal and professional reflection in a setting organized around a rhythm of listening, silence and prayer.

If God brings us to mind this next week would you pray for 2 things?

1) Please pray for Jennifer and Parker--Jennifer is a great single parent, but it gets old for her after a while, and while I will definitely miss them, part of the purpose of my time away is to have space to listen for God's leading away from the normal routines of family.

2) Please pray that the speed and busy-ness of my last few months can be left behind and that the days I'll spend with others praying for me, speaking into my life, and pointing me to Jesus will provide a sense of refreshment far beyond what a few days away could normally bring.

Marriage (Part 3) | Five Types of Beauty

2009-03-09T22:02:00.000-04:00

Thanks so much for praying for us again. I wanted to give you a short update this week, even though things are little crazy this week with new candidates visiting at WHM.

Last week was a week of contrasts and complements for me. Having time away from Jennifer and Parker always helps me "reset my love clock" for them. Here were a few of the things I saw last week that struck me as beautiful.

Overwhelming Physical Splendor--The Monterey peninsula in N. CA is just drop dead gorgeous. Famous golf courses, towering cliffs, waves crashing on rocks, enormous sand dunes, capering seals, giant kelp... it's got it all. As a "non-nature guy" I was overwhelmed by God's creativity and artistry.
Simple Things, Often Overlooked--As I was walking on the rocks and on the beach I just kept noticing little fascinating details. Nothing as jaw dropping as the things listed above, but I had a sense that the type of beauty God creates in our world is "scaleable." No matter how big, or how small, there is an intricacy to God's handiwork that is overwhelming.
The Struggle to Live Authentically--I was deeply touched time and time again as our retreat speakers, and those attending were willing to open their lives--the good, the hard, the painful, the beautifully broken being redeemed by Jesus--to us. There is a strange beauty that comes from a soul being mastered by Christ and broken on the crux of his love, so that it can become more humble and reliant. I got to be part of that last week in some tender ways.
Laughter--As always at a World Harvest event, there was plenty of conversation, tears and laughter. I'm amazed at how the most plain people temporarily shed the mortal disguise we so readily wear when genuine mirth and laughter comes out of them. I count it a sacred duty to help others laugh.
A Tearful Wife and Fever Filled Little Boy--It was hard on Jennifer and Parker to let me go last week. There were tinges of the "old loneliness" that returned for Jennifer, and Parker was sick this last weekend. The beauty though came from hearing Jennifer point herself to Jesus as her only hope, and from hearing my hoarse little boy clamor "Daddy, Daddy" when I rolled in on Saturday am at 7:30, and then again during the weekend when he was tender and cuddly in the midst of a fever.

Those were the five ways I experienced beauty last week. The sixth, but not confined to last week, is in your prayers. I truly appreciate the way you continue to uphold us in your thoughts and prayers.

Thank you.

Marriage (part 2)

2009-03-01T08:25:00.000-05:00

(Please see the previous post for the first 2 requests)

Big Prayer Requests for Marriage in Ministry Conference:

1) Satan is definitely at it again. In the midst of the rush of last minute details and preparation, I've seen tell tale signs of his work. I've got another cold. This past fall/winter I think I've actually been sick more than I've been well. Nothing huge, but at the moment I don't have much of a voice. So please pray that I'd still be able to work well and that the 6.5 hour flight doesn't completely sap my remaining energy and ability to speak. Also all of the travel of the last few months has gotten Jen and I a little out of sync. Pray that I'd really die to self and love my bride well this week, even as I leave to minister to other couples.

2) Pray for Jennifer while I'm gone. She's working on our taxes, general household chores, our never ending list of home repairs, and taking care of Parker without the break that daddy can give when he gets home from work and lets the cub pounce on him for a while. She's truly a remarkable woman.

3) Pray for the couples who are coming. Even though I don't "know" most of them, we've gathered enough information to know that there will be hurting ministry couples there. Pray that God's Spirit would work mightily in their lives, in ways that would be beyond just what a 2- day retreat would normally be able to provide. I have so much compassion and love for ministry folk, and most of the time, I feel that I have so little to offer. (Which is good reminder that I don't actually have ANYTHING to offer, other than the Gospel.)

And because I just know that you are dying to see the rest of the top ten list that I posted last time, here it is in it's entirety. (Remember that this was written as advice to a childhood friend who was getting married, based on my own marital experience.)

Patric’s Top Ten Tips for Enjoying the Marital State:

10) There is one and only one proper response to the question, “Does this make my butt look big?” Said with feeling and a straight face:“By all that is holy and right in the world, not at all!!” I know that saying, “Yes, but I love you anyway” really seems like a winner, but trust me it isn’t.

9) Despite early appearances, it is possible for a married man to find complete satisfaction in only having 1/100th the closet space that his wife does. She's going to throw away all of your favorite jeans and sweatshirts anyway, so you'll probably need a lot less space than you think you do.

8) Flush.

7) “If you are going to the fridge could you get me another beer,” does not in fact count as meaningful conversation. (Who knew?)

6) Your mother-in-law is a wonderful person. (Keep saying this until you start to believe it. Just kidding folks!! MY mother-in-law is truly a wonderful person! [Nudge, Nudge. Wink, Wink. See how easy it is.])

5) Put the seat down. Always. (I still don’t know why this is so hard for the opposite sex to check for themselves, after all guys can’t just “let ‘er rip” without checking to see if the lid is up, but you’re going to have to make some concessions, so you may as well start now.)

4) You should just know right now that while there will be no end to the things you must learn how to do, or not do as the case may be, in order to become a better husband, wives don’t have to change a darn thing. (Actually wanted to use a different word in that last sentence, but Jennifer doesn't allow me to say it anymore.)

3) A loving pet will buy you between 3-6 years (or 11 in my case!!) before she really starts pestering you for a kid of your own. Until then, keep her well away from any babies. They look harmless, but they aren't.

2) There is no shame in purchasing “feminine hygiene products” in public. (Keep repeating like the mother-in-law mantra.)

If you've already been offended so far, I'd suggest you just skip this last one.

1) There is no difference between your wife’s good cooking and her bad cooking if you still want to keep having sex. It’s all gooood!! ;-)

Marriage (part 1)

2009-02-26T16:30:00.000-05:00

I've been thinking a lot about marriage lately since WHM is putting on a conference for couples in ministry next week that I'll be leading and on the speaking team for. And I'd like to ask you to pray for me.

BUT... as small inducement and for your added enjoyment, I'm going to include both a few specific prayer requests, and a Top Ten List about marriage that I had originally wrote to send to a childhood friend who was tying the knot. I'll post it in two parts so check back in a few days.

Big Prayer Requests for Marriage in Ministry Conference:

1) That my material will come together. I've really been struggling over this last year to figure out how to become a more effective conference speaker. But one of the hardest things I've had to deal with is not being able to just teach through a passage of scripture from beginning to end. Most of my talks need to do something a little different than that. So I am again trying something new in an effort to get better.

2) That the Holy Spirit would really, really work in my life. There is almost nothing that is going to be taught that I don't need to have in my own life a lot more. So pray that my heart would continue to be broken over my sin and hardness toward Jennifer.

If you are going to pray for me, then feel free to keep reading. (If you aren't going to pray for me, you can still keep reading, but know that I'll be giving you the stink eye as you do.)

Patric’s Top Ten Tips for Enjoying the Marital State:

10) There is one and only one proper response to the question, “Does this make my butt look big?” Said with feeling and a straight face: “By all that is holy and right in the world, not at all!!” I know that saying, “Yes, but I love you anyway” really seems like a winner, but trust me it isn’t.

9) Despite early appearances, it is possible for a married man to find complete satisfaction in only having 1/100th the closet space that his wife does. She'd going to throw away all of your favorite jeans and sweatshirts anyway, so you'll probably need a lot less space than you think you do.

8) Flush.

7) “If you are going to the fridge could you get me another beer,” does not in fact count as meaningful conversation. (Who knew?)

If you'd like to see the rest of the list, tune in again in the next few days to get a few more of my "I'm both nuts and needy" prayer requests.

Thanks for praying~

Really Nuts!

2009-02-25T16:49:00.000-05:00

OK, I couldn't resist adding this in light of the previous post.

Last night Jennifer and I were upstairs putting Parker to bed (and praying!) when the phone rang. We didn't rush to pick it up and a little time went by before we got back downstairs again.

The senior pastor of our church personally called to see how we were doing and ask if there was anything specific that they could pray for us about. A few times a year, he and the other elders take an evening to call folks and find out how things are going and then pray for them.

I'm telling you, it's not normal to have so many people looking out for you spiritual well being. But it is rather nice.

On a related note, I'm also missing our former church today. I'd really come to enjoy planning and leading the Ash Wednesday service and our church doesn't have one. We may get a sitter tonight and try and find one somewhere, but it won't be the same. However, I am very proud to see Nate Conrad carrying on the tradition.

These People are Nuts

2009-02-23T16:19:00.000-05:00

"These people are nuts. They pray all the time. It's a little weird isn't it?"

Ah, yes, just the sort of thing you'd expect folks who are trying to follow Jesus to say, right?

This past weekend, Jennifer and I were both struck by how much praying we had done this last week. It seems that at the slightest provocation, folks in and around WHM burst into prayer. And there also seems to be a lot of praying that happens at our new church too.

The pace of prayer in our new lives is a little remarkable. In any given week, in the Sending Center (the WHM "home office"), we pray for 30 minutes every day, Monday-Friday. Except on Tuesday, where we pray for 2 hours. In addition, whenever a missionary is passing through, we stop to pray for them. And we pray during team meetings and group projects. We read prayer requests daily from the field and pray for them too. And usually twice a year, and then again at board meetings and leadership retreats, we take a whole day to pray. Practically anytime we are together, someone says, "Well, let's pray" and before I can locate the nearest exit, I've got people gathering around and laying hands on folks and hugging and praying. It's just odd, I tell you.

Not only that, but now that Parker is getting older, we make a point of praying with him a few times a day as well. I find myself regularly talking to God non-stop on the way to and from work as I think about the spiritual battles that will face me that day. And, get this (!), a few of Jennifer's friends have invited her to come hang out in the evenings every few weeks so that they can pray together. And not just hang out for 2 hours and pray for 10 minutes. Long praying. On your knees praying. Crying out to God in desperation praying. Coming home late when you have to get up early the next day praying.

Even on the weekends there is no respite. Many of the women from the office get together once a month on a Saturday AM and pray for the urgent things on the field. This last Saturday after Jennifer got back I asked about a co-worker's back problem. Jennifer didn't know anything about it--they were too busy praying for the kingdom to advance and the issue of personal health never came up. (Clearly this is not the group you want praying for you if you are going in for surgery... unless, of course, you are are in a hospital in Kenya. Then they may get around to you.)

The thing that was so striking to us though, is how normal we'd thought our prayer lives were before we came to World Harvest. I mean, we prayed plenty before we came to Philadelphia. I was on staff at a church; we prayed a lot. Jennifer is an olympic class journal keeper and petitioner. I've been know to take as much as 15 minutes at a time to sit and pray in the middle of the day. We were no slouches in the "Well Let's Ask God's Blessing On This" category.

It's been unsettling to us to see just how little we actually did pray. Well, at least it seems "little" by comparison to what we do now.

So what has changed? Well... I don't really know. Honestly. Other than the fact that we seem to be with folks who are constantly praying, so we get sucked into things.

What I can tell you is that our ability to see our own need for prayer has dramatically increased. Maybe it's just that everything has seemed out of whack for a while, or that we've been through a lot of transition. Or maybe it really is true--missionaries really are more spiritual than most people! But I suspect that it's something deeper than this.

I suspect that deep down in both of our hearts we've tapped into a sense of desperation and longing for a God that is bigger, more beautiful and loving, and infinitely more dangerous than we'd ever really thought he was. And when you get a taste for this, coupled with a clearer picture of your own needs, it starts changing things in your prayer life. And, come to think of it, we're probably a little nuts now too.

Ok. I've got to stop and go find someone to pray with. Or at least get a hug. (I told you that things were strange out here!! ;-)

Longing for a Job I Know I Can Do

2009-02-16T15:37:00.000-05:00

Thanks for the prayers for our weekend of teaching at Kim and Dave Schutter's church. In many ways the weekend was a wonderful time of refreshment--more for me, than for any who attended the retreat or Sunday AM!

For the first time in a while, I really got to "do my thing" teaching-wise. It was also wonderful to spend time with Kim and Dave. I kept having little "a ha" moments when Dave and I were talking and he would describe ministry and life challenges that are part of his current journey. Several times I thought to myself, "Well, if it were me, I'd do _________." Since Dave is by all accounts a lot wiser soul than yours truly, you can imagine my delight when my thoughts seemed to mirror pretty closely Dave's plan of action. (Maybe I'm finally learning something?)

But the weekend also left me with sense of longing. Walking around NPC (east) on Sunday AM before everyone had arrived, seeing the building, hearing the worship team rehearse, seeing the offices and schedules, and looking over my notes in the few quiet minutes I had before a flood of people entered my life all served to remind of some of what I missed about pastoral ministry. I miss that sense of "game day." Of having worked hard during the week to get ready to teach, of having the Holy Spirit feed me as I got ready to feed others, and then really standing up and delivering before a group of people that I'd been journeying with.

There were so many moments when I secretly thought, "I could do this! I could really do this." Not be the sr. pastor at NPC (east)--Kim and Dave are clearly the right folks for the job! But in my heart I thought "I really know how to be a pastor. I could do this type of ministry." This was probably the first time in the 18 months that I've been at WHM that I really felt the cost of not being in direct, pastoral ministry.

But more than this, it also reminded me of just how cunning my flesh really is. There is no more absurd statement in all of life than to have a minister of the gospel say, "I could do this!"

What can I really do? The truth is, not much. Not much at all. I can't raise people from death to life spiritually. I can't make God's word melt stony hearts. I can't love people well enough to pull them into the kingdom. I can't provide people with enough help and strength and goodness to see them continue to walk faithfully in the midst of trials and hardship. I can't mold hearts in new ways so that God is perfectly glorified even in the middle pain and suffering.

The only thing I can actually do, is point people to Jesus in the midst of my own needs and brokenness. My desire to have a job that "I can do" is really just the subtle idols of comfort and approval whispering to me in ways which make me forget the gospel. I've been working at a job for 18 months that I know is more than a match for my feeble skills and inexperience. I've been carrying burdens that keep me up late at night, or wake me early in the morning and will not let me go back to sleep. I've been continuing to try hard enough, to be strong enough or good enough in my own strength to not disappoint those I serve. And...

...all of this again confirms to me that I am right where God desires me to be. I am in a place where my best efforts will never be enough and the only possible way forward is in radical dependence on my Dad. I'm doing things that my willpower, or personality, or sheer hard work will never be able to accomplish, thus forcing me to daily retreat happily to my knees with real needs instead of religious niceties. I am in a place where I'm not good enough, and I know it, and this makes me all the more eager to see the Spirit work in ways that I'm frankly not comfortable with, because they require me to relinquish my unbelief and need to be in control.

So, here's my prayer for you today: I'm asking our Father to put you into situations, relationships and ministries where you know you can't do it either, so that you too can have the humbling joy of truly needing Jesus in the same way that you need air. Being needy? Now that's a job I know that I can do.

NPC (squared)

2009-02-04T20:43:00.000-05:00

I'd heartily appreciate your prayers again this weekend. Jennifer, Parker, and I will be flying out to minister at Kim and Dave Schutter's church, which ironically is called Northwest Presbyterian Church, but goes by the acronym NPC. So Dave and I are teaming up again at another NPC! (For those of you not in on the joke, Dave and I were on staff together at Naperville Presbyterian... the "original" NPC.)

I'll be leading their men's retreat helping the guys apply the gospel to lives at work on Friday and Saturday. On Sunday I'll be teaching a very abbreviated version of the same material for their adult education classes, and then preaching at their worship service. All in all that's 5 times of teaching in 3 days.

So please pray for me yet again. I don't feel as overwhelmed as I did about the Princeton thing--but I'm not sure if that is a good or bad thing. I DO feel that I have very little to offer to a group of people that don't know me, especially when I have such a short amount of time with them. But I had a wonderful time with God being super needy today, and he really provided just the right insights and help to help me feel like I'm tracking with him.

Also pray for Kim and Dave. It's been a pretty hard slog for them over the last little bit.

January Again

2009-01-28T14:22:00.000-05:00

For whatever reason, January is a month that has been standing out in recent years as we take stock of what God is doing in our lives. It's hard to believe how much God has been doing in our journey with him to bring us to this point, so maybe the following recap will be as encouraging to you as it has been to me.

January 2005

January 2005 marked the mid-point of a singularly rough year in ministry at NPC. We had welcomed Parker into our family the previous summer. I then jumped into the first year of ministry at NPC without a sr. pastor. NPC was finishing a 3 year stewardship campaign so I was doing added teaching and curriculum, and picking up some of the preaching load from Mike having left. I was really struggling as a first time parent, and spending 14 hour Tuesdays to do night school Hebrew up at Trinity in anticipation of taking my ordination exams. In January we celebrated Parker's first birthday and then over the next few months both of my folks would be diagnosed with cancer.

January 2006

After a grueling year and half without a sr. pastor at NPC, I was now also taking my licensure exams as part of the ordination process. The previous few months had seen daily study and then marathon work sessions in December to finish my written exams over Christmas and take (and pass) my oral exams in January. After finishing my exams, I jumped into a preaching series from Malachi, and Chris Hodge came to interview for the sr. pastor job at NPC. Chris was hired and arrived around Easter that year. (yea!)

January 2007

Having done our best for NPC while they were searching for a new pastor, with Chris hired, we felt free to begin the process of moving on to our next ministry. So 2007 started with me still being in the middle of the job hunt. And while we did have some good conversations with a few churches that fall, nothing had really clicked yet. Coming to a place where a decision (and salary) would be needed soon, January 07 marked the final round of conversations with World Harvest in which we became convinced that this is where God was leading us. The following months would have us support raising, selling and buying a house, saying good bye to dear friends, moving to Philly and starting over, and a lot of tears.

January 2008

January of last year held two dramatic events. The first was Jennifer and I attending the WHM team leaders retreat in Austria. It was one of those rare moments in life and ministry where things seem to really align. Being with the WHM field team leaders, praying with them and ministering to them, and staying up late into the night laughing and telling stories was the exclamation point to my sense of calling to WHM. And a few short weeks later, my mom ended her struggle with cancer by going home to be with the Lord. Again our lives in Philly and Chicago overlapped and collided as we were well loved by our friends in Naperville and returned to Philly feeling finally able to start our new lives there.

January 2009

Having made some some new friends in snowy Princeton, I am now sitting in sunny Orlando (82 and not a cloud in the sky!) at the Global Church Planting Conference. While here I've gotten to hang out with some of our Ireland team who is also attending, been introduced to lots of really great folks who are experienced church planters and trainers, and spent some time investing in new friendships. GCA is a bit like a crossroads in the church planting world, and as bizarre as this seems to me, I seem to be a person that other folks want to meet. I have also been gaining a much greater sense of how my passions and desires and calling fit into the larger work of the kingdom.

I can't tell you how little I would have ever guessed that this is what God would have in store for us. My heart is so full of compassion and concern for our teams on the field and the men and women sitting in the training sessions who are getting read to launch out and start new churches. I keep marveling over the fact that we have celebrated Parkers 5th birthday party (thats 25% of his life of "pre-college" life gone already!!) and that the little guy keeps growing up to be my friend. And I am tremendously grateful for the way that all of you have walked with us, prayed for us, supported us, and keep cheering us on. Who knows what January of 2010 will bring?

Princeton by the Numbers

2009-01-15T18:15:00.000-05:00

The picture above is of the Gotham Fellows, along with a few Redeemer staff and the 3 WHM people standing in front of Alexander Hall, the first building built at Princeton Theological Seminary in 1830 -something. For those of you who have been reading, I wanted to give you a little more of an update on how the weekend at Princeton actually went.

By all accounts it was a good weekend for those involved. Here were a few things that stood out.

53--Driving time in minutes from our house to the main campus at Princeton. And if you've never been there before, let me tell you it's worth a visit. Gorgeous, gorgeous, gorgeous campus! Lots of old stone buildings, tons of cool church architecture, and lots of fun shops. Of course the place just screams east coast, old money, elitism, but still... as long as I didn't say too much, no one really knew that I was out of my league.

3--number of dead theologians graves we visited. Jonathan Edwards, the one time president of Princeton (who was killed off by the university... I'll let you look that one up, but I swear it's true). Archibald Alexander, the earliest of the "Princeton Theologians" and a hard core presbyterian who was the first theology professor at the newly formed Princeton Seminary. Charles Hodge, who was the focus of my masters thesis and also a theology professor at Princeton in the mid-1800's. Kind of fun to see all of them... in an odd sort of way.

3--number of pubs that were rejected by the Gotham Fellows on Saturday night when went out for a pint. The reason for the rejection of said establishments, and I quote "They're just not that hip." I've honestly never been with a group of people that was cool enough to reject a pub based on the criteria of hipness.

8--number of pages for my outline in the retreat notebook.

4--number of pages of Ron and Bethany's outlines for the retreat notebook. Some things never change.

24--number of Gotham Fellows who participated in the retreat. They ranged in age from 23-31, mostly single, and ran the gamut of professions from law, to business, to the arts. They were all articulate, funny, and more than a little competitive. Our strongest contribution was really helping them connect the great theology that they have been learning with the day to day details of their lives.

1--number of people staying in my room for the weekend. The retreat center has private rooms, with shared bathrooms. Classy place.

4--number of guys in the small group that I worked with. A finance guy, a lawyer, an architect and a video producer. I really enjoyed getting to know them, hear their stories and in some small way try to help them where I could.

2--number of people I tried to get to come with me to Thomas Sweet, a famous ice cream emporium. Evidently the frigid temps and 3 inches of snow made people think it wasn't time for ice cream. Oh, well. We'll be making another trip up as a family sometime when the weather is nice just to sight see, so I'll swing by then.

52:36--number in minutes and seconds of my teaching time. I went over my alloted time by 7 minutes and 36 seconds, so I lost my "I know how to finish my lesson on time righteousness." It really hurt, since Bethany and Ron did a great job of finishing their lessons on time.

1--number of hearts so sincerely moved by your prayers and generosity.

Redeemer, Savior, Friend

2009-01-13T10:13:00.000-05:00

Gotta love the iphone...here's one reason why! :) I was studying Eph. 5 for my women's Bible study group tomorrow & had my iphone playing music in the background. The last question suggested taking a few minutes to meditate on Christ's great love shown in his submission to God as he was crucified and resurrected for me. The song that came on right then was Redeemer, Savior, Friend by Melendez, Kauffman, & Armstrong from the Intimate Worship CD. Here are some of those precious words that spoke to my soul this morning...

Redeemer, redeem my heart again.

Savior, come and shelter me from sin.

You're familiar with my weakness, devoted to the end.

Redeemer, Savior, Friend.

Rich in Poverty

2009-01-11T22:00:00.000-05:00

It was a wonderful weekend in Princeton with the Gotham Fellows from Redeemer NYC! (see the previous post)

And while it was great to be with such talented and energized young(er) people, and while it was uplifting to make new friends with the Redeemer staff who lead the Gotham Fellowship, and while it was AWESOME to be at Princeton Theological Seminary (a mecca in days gone by for theo-nerds such as myself... more later), none of those things are what made it such a great weekend.

On Friday, Jennifer sent out a prayer request with a link to this blog to our prayer team. Over the weekend I literally received over a dozen short e-mails telling me that people were praying for me, offering great gospel quotes (thanks Jack!) and even offering very moving written prayers for my time away. I honestly have never felt so rich in terms of friends, and prayers for my poor, tired, weak soul. It was glorious to be weak enough, to truly need the ministry of others, instead of seeking to be strong in order to minister to the Redeemer folk. Even the times of worship were extremely powerful and moving for me as I was continually drawn back to the realities of the cross, knowing in my heart of hearts that there were people out there beseeching the Holy Spirit to work in my life in just that way.

I'll post again in a little bit some more about the actual event--which went very well, in case you were wondering.

But my over riding memory is being in a place of tremendous wealth, power, prestige and theological heritage as a beggar with nothing to offer and having friends who were scattered around the country praying for me so that in my spiritual poverty I would be weak enough to point people to the riches of Christ Jesus. It was wonderful.

Thank you. Thank you for ministering to me, and in turn, ministering to those that I walked with this last weekend.

Princeton, NYC, and Oh No...

2009-01-07T19:11:00.000-05:00

I'm not OK with what I'm about to write. I'm not OK with it because I'm proving to be a fiercely independent, willful, trust-my-own-gifts sort of guy, way more than I realized. But... I know that my pride is a false pride, and my Savior's love is a true love. So here goes.

I'm desperate.

Again.

For your prayers.

This weekend I and a couple of team mates from WHM will be traveling to Princeton Seminary to lead a weekend retreat for a group of talented young, urban professionals from Redeemer Presbyterian in Manhattan NY. Maybe it's just because I'm turning 38 in a few weeks and all of the people coming to the retreat are at least 10 year younger than me. Or maybe it's because these guys have a pretty smart, pretty famous pastor (some guy named Tim Keller; I've personally never heard of him ;-), and the idea that I could actually help them spiritually seems a little absurd. But whatever it is, I have the "fear of man" disease and I have it bad.

So... would you please, please, please pray for me?

Not that I would do a good job (though I want to).
Not that I would impress the folks from Redeemer or my teammates (though I'd like to).
And not that I would feel great about what my teaching when it's all over (though that would make Monday feel better.)

Would you pray that I would continue to see my desperate need for Christ to define my identity and the my growing hunger to see the Holy Spirit really work and have folks barely notice me as being the blessings that they really are?

I have to admit I'm much more inclined to think of blessings as being the good things in life that make my life easier or add to my reputation in good ways (though not too good--that just spoils things). But the truth is that God is working through my busy schedule, and through invitations to minister to folks that I'm really not equipped to minister to, and through me having to confront just how much I've relied on people liking my teaching to develop my identity.

I'm not sure how much more blessing like this I can take, but I do trust God even when he is being severe in his mercy. I'll be away all day Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, so anytime God brings me to mind, please pray!!

The Last Day of Being Four

2009-01-06T12:51:00.000-05:00

Today is Parker's last day of being four. On the way to school today, he asked, "Mommy, are you gonna like five?" You see, I've been telling him for a year now how much I like four, and while he's been counting down the days until his 5th birthday (since his 4th birthday), he was a little concerned about me. Then, he said, "How long 'til I go to college? 5 years? 10 years? 89 years?...cuz I don't want to go without you, Mom. I'd miss you too much." :) ...this is what I like about four. so precious.

In Praise of... Being Sick?!

2008-12-16T16:24:00.000-05:00

By anyone's account it's been a rough few weeks. Since the beginning of November one member of the Knaak household has been continously sick. I personally have had 2 colds, including 1 trip to the doctor for bronchitis, a round of antibotics and some truly wonderful codeine based cough syrup, all accompanied by the fatigue, tiredness, hacking, wheezing and general crappiness that goes along with being sick.

But the real kicker came last week when Jennifer and I both came down with food poisoning after sharing a meal at local mexican restaurant. It's been a while since I've been that sick. Too nauseous watch TV, too feverish and drained to be able to read, and periodic death sprints to the bathroom pretty much summed up those 24 hours.

And yet in the midst of physical discomfort and brokenness, I do have a sense that God was again working to show me something that I so often miss in my normal self absorption. During those 24 hours I was far more conscious of being dependent on God than during almost any time in the previous 24 months. With no ability to stand, work, walk, move, care for Jennifer, or even distract myself, I again and again cried out to God to have mercy on me. I was absolutely incapable of fixing myself, serving myself (forget about others!), or caring for myself. The only pathway open to me was pure reliance and dependance on God. Even my feverish mind could find no solace other than reminding myself that God really did love me, even if my body was completely a wreck.

Isn't it interesting that it took several weeks of busy-ness, coughs and colds, and a bout of severe food poisoning to soften my sin hardened heart into a posture of dependence?

Even more intriguing is the idea that a day is coming in my future when this disposition of dependence will be so natural, so easy, so much a part of my being that it will be hard to believe I had ever lived another way for so many years. In my cry of surrender, I could almost hear the pleasure of the Father rejoicing over one stoney soul, at least momentarily, collapsing into his grace and mercy.

And who knows, it may just be another round of bad steak tacos that actually ushers in that new state! (Seriously folks, death seemed like a sweet friend around 4 AM ;-)

Emmanuel...No Protocol

2008-12-09T09:43:00.000-05:00

It really is true...God is with us. Everywhere. All the time. I am starting to think this is something God is wanting me to really believe and hold on to and benefit from. Because he reminded me of it again last night.

I went to the Women's Christmas dinner at our church and when the speaker said that the topic of her talk was Emmanuel, I knew God was trying to get my attention again. He was to be given the name Jesus (he who saves), but he will be called Emmanuel (God with us). God was sending us a personal message and asking for a personal response. When she said this, there was a hush in the room. (One of those, you had to be there kind of things!)

There are a lot of reasons why "God being with us" makes a difference, but last night a new comfort was brought to mind. And, to me, this is huge. With Emmanuel, there is no protocol in our relationship. Let me explain. In human relationships, I often find myself wondering, "should I call her or just send an email?" or "maybe I've intruded too much, I shouldn't ask" or "I wish we could get together more, but we're just so busy," etc. And this wondering about the relationship protocol drives me crazy sometimes. But with Emmanuel, he is always available, always willing, always thrilled to be with me, always wanting to spend more time with me. He is the perfect friend...and of course, so much more.

I pray that he will keep reminding me of this precious truth, because my heart abandons him all too often. But that reminds me of something else the speaker said last night. She told a story of an older married couple who, when asked how they had stayed together for so long said, "Well, I told my wife if she ever decided to leave me, I'd go with her!" And that's what Jesus does with me, when my heart abandons him, he goes with me...because he's Emmanuel. :)

Emmanuel...I am not alone.

2008-12-07T11:55:00.000-05:00

I have been feeling low lately. Partly it's because I've been sick for most of the last couple months, so physically I'm worn out. I can't seem to get anything accomplished. This lack of energy takes its toll on my emotions for sure. Partly it's because I still fight feeling lonely living in a new place. All of my relationships have been in a transitional state for so long that it gets wearying and feels very unstable. And so, I found myself at the end of this last week feeling quite depleted.

And yet...the still small voice of Emmanuel broke through my pain. Through the kind words of Patric on the phone, through the words of familiar Christmas carols sung with friends at World Harvest, I was reminded of my Emmanuel. God with us. Christ with me. I am not alone. This is a truth that I need to hear often these days when doubts and fears creep in, when I start to feel forgotten.

Just that word, Emmanuel, has always brought peace to my soul every Christmas. But this year, it has new depth for me. I am so grateful for his presence with me, so glad he came to save me, that he will never leave me, never let me go.

Listen to What I am Saying

2008-11-18T13:53:00.000-05:00

I got sick last week, and over the weekend I lost my voice. And in doing so, I found out a little bit more about my heart.

You see with an energetic four year old around, I have to use my voice a good deal. And sometimes, even with complete calmness and control, I find that I need to put a little "steel" in my tone and increase my volume to be sure that Parker is giving me his full attention.

What I didn't realize, (until I couldn't do it any more!) is how often my tone and volume are not dictated by calmness and parental good intent. Instead my black heart bubbles up in frustration, or anger, or just plain selfishness, and I verbally take it out on the littlest guy in the room. It isn't (usually) a long, screaming tirade that takes place. But there is enough volume to communicate the heat of my sin.

So over the weekend as Parker and I made Brunswick Stew, and mixed cornbread, and went to Chestnut Hill to get coffee and croissants, and ran to pick up a few things at the store, I continually found myself trying to raise my voice with irritation and anger, only to sound like an asthmatic, squeak toy.

The weakness of my voice, was again leading me to see the weakness of my heart. Instead of being able to lash out at Parker verbally to make my point, I had to get up, draw close to him and really communicate. And because I was so up close and face to face with him, I could easily see the reproach in his deep, dark eyes every time my frustration boiled over onto him. The pain in those little eyes did what my willpower never does--it broke my heart anew over the breadth of my sin. I was truly stunned by the ease with which I normally steamroll over the little man with my need for his instant obedience, and submission to me.

Jesus wisely tells us that our mouths are a window into our souls; they reveal what is hidden within. That's true even when the words being spoken can't be uttered any louder than a whisper.

Would you continue to pray for us this week that we would see the depth of our sin as parents, so that we can help Parker know the depth of God's love and grace to those who can't fix themselves?

Sonship Week Vignette 2--I Need an Interpreter

2008-11-06T19:10:00.000-05:00

Every day during Sonship Week the staff would gather for a staff meeting and prayer while the conference participants were in one of their small groups. Even at the best of times, I hate going to meetings. And the only thing worse that going to a meeting is having to lead a meeting.

Everyone else gets to laugh and joke and relax. I on the other hand am furiously scribbling notes for things to remember to mention, watching the clock so that we have enough time to pray and then get down to lunch before the lines get too long, and generally trying to figure out how to lead a group of folks who are all generally a good deal older than I am. Even without the stresses of the week, I'd be pretty close to over my head in that sort of situation. I like calm. I like order. I like having enough time to carefully consider things. Sonship Week staff meetings (by their very nature) have none of those things.

At one meeting, I introduced a topic that needed a decision, listened for about .8 seconds and then moved on mentally to the next thing I needed to remember to say. As the discussion swirled around me, I was lost in my own little world, and when the conversation finally came to a halt, I summarized the group's decision. Except that I didn't.

As I was moving on to the next topic, Jennifer kindly placed one hand on my knee and said, "Patric, I don't think you were really listening to what the group was saying." (Uncanny how she was able to spot this so quickly, since I never fail to listen to her while she is talking!) Indeed, I had gotten the gist of the conversation exactly wrong, and without Jennifer's kind intervention I would have continued to tromp straight ahead with my own plans and agenda. The group had a good laugh and several folks asked if Jennifer could come to all of our meetings back in Philadelphia to interpret for me.

It's amazing to me how that scenario so closely resembles so much of my prayer life. It isn't that I don't talk to God. I talk all the time. But like the guy who is running a staff meeting, I simply move through my list, being sure that I mention what I think is so needful, and very rarely pausing for a response, let alone sitting still long enough to listen. The funny thing is that I always think rushing more quickly will provide the space and time my soul craves and it never does. When it comes to our spiritual lives (or even just leading meetings) velocity is antithetical to relationship, and most of the time it feels like my life is all about the velocity.

Sonship Week Vignette 1--On Time Righteousness

2008-11-06T18:47:00.000-05:00

This year at Sonship Week we tried a few new things. One of them was an attempt to have a better integration between worship and the teaching that we were providing. Like every collaborative effort, working with a lot of moving parts takes a fair bit of co-ordination. In this case, this meant that we were asking our speakers to finish their talks promptly, so that there would be enough space and time for our worship and times of response.

As the leader of the week, the responsibility for keeping us on schedule largely fell to me, and I must say the teaching team really did a remarkable job of working hard to finish their talks on time. And of course, in my own desire to lead by example (1%), serve the rest of the team well (1%) and prove just how possible it was to deliver an excellent talk and finish right on time since I'm such and "old pro" at it (98%), I again saw just how much I need the gospel.

On Thursday AM, I gave a talk about how we need to have daily intimacy with our Father for the gospel to grow in our lives. To be honest, even though I had thoroughly timed out the talk, and written my stop time (9:10) on the top of all my notes, I was totally lost in the moment. I felt free! I felt alive! I felt like I was really connecting with the audience!! And when I sat down, I finally remembered to look at my watch. And... it said 9:10 on the dot!!!

Are you ready for the fall? My immediate response was, "Yeah! All right! I did it just right. I said what I wanted, the way I wanted and I finished right on time. I'm worthy of the team's respect." And then, what do you think I noticed? I noticed that on the timed schedule for the day, that my finish time was actually 9:05 and not 9:10. My immediate response was, "Oh crap! I really blew it. I didn't perform the way I needed to, and no matter what I said or how well I said it, this talk is failure. I'm a failure."

You can see the problem here can't you? My righteousness and reputation before God does not improve even if I do everything right, or even if I do everything wrong. Both of those swings of emotion revealed to me that even in the midst of hearing the gospel at Sonship Week, I'm still always striving to establish my own righteousness--a self-righteousness that is based on my merit and performance (even when that merit is trivial!!).

Of course the story gets worse. After sitting there in despair for a few minutes and pondering the unbelief that each of the reactions evidenced, I then remembered that we had started the session 5 minutes late... So I was on time after all! And right in that moment, even after having just seen how greedy my heart was for my own reputation and repenting of it, I again ran right back to my "on time righteousness" as my defining identity.

Sheesh... I thought Sonship Week was going to fix all of that!

Sonship Week Went Great!

2008-10-25T15:20:00.000-04:00

Thanks to all of you who prayed for us this last week!! Sonship Week went very, very well. The World Harvest team did a great job of teaching, mentoring and overseeing details, Keith and Jamie provided wonderful worship, and Asheville was beautiful, as always. It truly was an honor for me to work with such gifted and dedicated staff and I could not be more proud of them.

Jennifer and I are particularly grateful for your prayers since she ended up being sick at the beginning of the week when we told our story together and we were fighting off sore throats the rest of the time. We had many, many couples come up to us throughout the retreat and tell us how much they appreciated our honesty. To tell you the truth, it felt a little bit like answering the door for a dinner party in your swimsuit, but once I got over my pride, I sensed that we were talking about just the right things for starting off the week.

And... I was again reminded of just how much I need the gospel. Hearing excellent Christ centered and grace motivated teaching, the stress of trying to stay on top of details, and the way my anger and selfishness kept erupting with Jennifer all served to again show me just how desperately my heart needs Jesus.

I'll post a few more "windows into the week" a little later. Thank you again for your love and prayers.

Pray for Us!!

2008-10-14T09:05:00.000-04:00

"Oh crap, oh crap, oh crap, oh crap, oh crap. This is cannot be happening to me!"

The words of a CIA operative as his cover is blown in dangerous enemy territory? No, not really. They are the words of my tiny, sin soaked heart, that is so "unfull" of faith right now.

And what has brought about this state of angst? Terminal illness? Financial disaster? Abject moral failure? No. Having my idols challenged and exposed--such a little thing when you think about it!

Next week is Sonship Week, the major conference that our team puts on each year. It was at Sonship Week 6 years ago that Jennifer and I first got hooked up with World Harvest. And it was one of the few, truly life shaping events of our lives. And now... now I have done a very, very stupid thing. I've signed up to be in charge of it this year.

Now don't get me wrong. We've been working hard, planing well, making appropriate changes, finding the best folks we can to speak, and lead worship, and do the personal mentoring. It will be a great conference, especially because I believe it delights God to work in the lives of his people so powerfully. But my heart is very (very) far from believing that my contributions to the week are going to do anything but be a disappointment. I've been trying to iron out the final edits for my teaching, and as I look the material it just seems so... puny, small, incredibly non-transformative.

So if you think about it, will you please pray for us (Jennifer is speaking too!). Pray that in the midst of my unbelief I'll again turn to Jesus. Pray that I will rest confidently in the fact that it is the Spirits work, not my skills or abilities, that cause transformation to happen. And pray that I'll again find tenderness and nourishment at the table of my heavenly Dad, instead of trying to go off on my own, feast on the ashes of idolatry, and then pretend that I've had a really satisfying meal.

We're Trying!

2008-09-13T10:30:00.000-04:00

I can't believe that it's been over a year since we've moved!!

I also can't believe it's taken me a year to get a blog up and running, and that we still haven't found a good, reliable way to stay in touch with all of our friends and family. Of course, it's always great when we can visit on the phone or in person, but we long to invite you into our daily lives more regularly. And frankly, we feel like we've let a lot of people down since our schedules have been so haphazard. Sometimes folks really know what is going on, and sometimes.... (we just trail off ;-)

So... we're hoping that this blog will really help. We won't be posting every day, but there will probably be something new every week. We'll try to keep you updated on daily life here in Philly, how we're doing spiritually, and any other assorted ideas that are popping up.

So thanks for reading, and hopefully we'll be able to post regularly from now on.