Longing for a Job I Know I Can Do

Thanks for the prayers for our weekend of teaching at Kim and Dave Schutter's church.  In many ways the weekend was a wonderful time of refreshment--more for me, than for any who attended the retreat or Sunday AM!

For the first time in a while, I really got to "do my thing" teaching-wise.  It was also wonderful to spend time with Kim and Dave.  I kept having little "a ha" moments when Dave and I were talking and he would describe ministry and life challenges that are part of his current journey.  Several times I thought to myself, "Well, if it were me, I'd do _________."  Since Dave is by all accounts a lot wiser soul than yours truly, you can imagine my delight when my thoughts seemed to mirror pretty closely Dave's plan of action.  (Maybe I'm finally learning something?)

But the weekend also left me with sense of longing.  Walking around NPC (east) on Sunday AM before everyone had arrived, seeing the building, hearing the worship team rehearse, seeing the offices and schedules, and looking over my notes in the few quiet minutes I had before a flood of people entered my life all served to remind of some of what I missed about pastoral ministry.  I miss that sense of "game day."  Of having worked hard during the week to get ready to teach, of having the Holy Spirit feed me as I got ready to feed others, and then really standing up and delivering before a group of people that  I'd been journeying with.

There were so many moments when I secretly thought, "I could do this!  I could really do this."  Not be the sr. pastor at NPC (east)--Kim and Dave are clearly the right folks for the job!  But in my heart I thought "I really know how to be a pastor.  I could do this type of ministry."  This was probably the first time in the 18 months that I've been at WHM that I really felt the cost of not being in direct, pastoral ministry.

But more than this, it also reminded me of just how cunning my flesh really is.  There is no more absurd statement in all of life than to have a minister of the gospel say, "I could do this!"  

What can I really do?  The truth is, not much.  Not much at all.   I can't raise people from death to life spiritually.  I can't make God's word melt stony hearts.  I can't love people well enough to pull them into the kingdom.  I can't provide people with enough help and strength and goodness to see them continue to walk faithfully in the midst of trials and hardship.  I can't mold hearts in new ways so that God is perfectly glorified even in the middle pain and suffering.

The only thing I can actually do, is point people to Jesus in the midst of my own needs and brokenness.  My desire to have a job that "I can do" is really just the subtle idols of comfort and approval whispering to me in ways which make me forget the gospel.  I've been working at a job for 18 months that I know is more than a match for my feeble skills and inexperience.  I've been carrying burdens that keep me up late at night, or wake me early in the morning and will not let me go back to sleep.  I've been continuing to try hard enough, to be strong enough or good enough in my own strength to not disappoint those I serve.  And...

...all of this again confirms to me that I am right where God desires me to be.  I am in a place where my best efforts will never be enough and the only possible way forward is in radical dependence on my Dad.  I'm doing things that my willpower, or personality, or sheer hard work will never be able to accomplish, thus forcing me to daily retreat happily to my knees with real needs instead of religious niceties.  I am in a place where I'm not good enough, and I know it, and this makes me all the more eager to see the Spirit work in ways that I'm frankly not comfortable with, because they require me to relinquish my unbelief and need to be in control.

So, here's my prayer for you today:  I'm asking our Father to put you into situations, relationships and ministries where you know you can't do it either, so that you too can have the humbling joy of truly needing Jesus in the same way that you need air.  Being needy?  Now that's a job I know that I can do.