Doubts About the Speaker--CCO Debrief 3

(the following is a continuation of previous post, reflecting in my ministry and Romans 1)

[My flesh speaks loudly, encouraging me to not allow others to see my weakness when I teach]

Of course, Jesus also speaks to me too. And when he does, his voice has that strange combination of mockery, sympathy, and love that only a true, heart friend can use with you. It is one of those rare gifts that kindred spirits share--the ability to encourage and guide, done in just the particular way that will be most meaningful to you, and which by it's very nature tells you, "You matter to me. If you didn't, I'd just command, or order, or ignore you." It's rich stuff.

So when Jesus mocks-sympathizes-loves-commands me he often says something like, "Helllloooo. Patric, you twit! What are you doing worrying about this? Creating righteousness is my work, and my work alone. What possible thing do you think you could ever point to in your life, that is of any worth whatsoever when it comes to making people more like me? You want to look good. I want you help other people see how much I love you. Come, rely on my performance instead of your own. Let me have every ugly thing that you think worthless, hurtful, and black and I will take those things and show other people how much more I can offer to you and to them. You have nothing to fear or lose. You tell your part of the story--the brokenness, the idolatry, the ugliness of self love--and I'll tell my part of the story--the grace, the beauty of self-surrendering love, and the redemption that sets people free. No one needs you to redeem anything! (As if you even could! What a mess that would be.) To be redeemed and healed and cherished, they need me. And how, exactly, are you going to let them know how much they need me, if you don't have some seriously messed up crap in your life that needs to be redeemed." 

So at CCO, I gave the talk that Jesus wanted me give and not the one that I though would make me look best, or earn their respect. I talked about worshiping my idols, and murdering people in my heart when they dared to even remotely challenge those idols. I walked into the room fully dressed in my own reputation, and gifts, and abilities, and then slowly took them off--in front of 190 people I'd never met--until I was standing there in my swimsuit talking about the beauty of the cross, and my friend "Jesus the smart aleck" who also happens to be the Redeemer of the World. I invited people in, knowing that at least some of them would turn and run in horror when they heard my stuff. 

And what did it feel like? It pretty much felt just like being nailed to a cross. Well, OK, not "just like" being nailed to a cross. More like, what being nailed to a cross would feel like if they were using thumbtacks. Puncturing, but not truly deadly. (Until of course I started to get adulation from the audience for being so "authentic and honest." Then my flesh started worshiping itself for being so bold and taking so many risks for the sake of the kingdom. Ugggghhhh.... So much gospel, so little time.)

Doubts About the Speaker--CCO Debrief 2

(The following is part 2 of a short series debriefing a recent speaking experience I had--for the back story, scroll down to previous posts)

Over the last little bit as I've been thinking about my work at WHM, I've continued to come back to Romans 1:16-17:

¹⁶I am not ashamed of the gospel, because it is the power of God for the salvation of everyone who believes: first for the Jew, then for the Gentile. ¹⁷For in the gospel a righteousness from God is revealed, a righteouness that is by faith from first to last, just as it is written: "The righteous will live by faith."

So for the next several posts I'm going to do a little theological meditation on Romans 1 and my calling at WHM, through the lens of the recent CCO retreat that I and Meredith did (you can read about that event in the previous post). And for those you--like me!--who get a little worried about "theological meditation" replacing "solid exegesis" when it comes to today's bible teaching, I want to be clear. The following posts are not what I think Romans 1 teaches in an expositional sense, nor are they "my take" on Romans 1. I'm really just debriefing my heart condition with you, and Romans 1 has been the place that God has been using to cause me to think more deeply about these issues.

One of the parts of my current ministry that has been simultaneously wonderful, and I'll also admit it, pretty hard on my ego, is the way that God has been choosing to use my story to point people deeper into the gospel. The thing that is so striking about this is that:

1. I am "ashamed" about the parts of my story that God seems to use so much, and
2. The reason I am "ashamed" is because those parts of my story point out just how much I want a righteousness of my own making instead of a righteousness that comes only from God, that has been earned by Christ, and which then is given to me by faith (which is itself a gift from God).

The "main" life illustrations that God insists that I talk about center around my failures--my failure to earn a Ph.D., my failure in ministry to really love people well at my former church, my failure to consistently love Parker and Jennifer they way they deserve. I feel like every time I get up to speak at a WHM event that I'm answering the door to a formal dinner party dressed in my swimsuit! Everyone else has fine clothes, deeds and manners to hide their wobbly bits, and here I am "mid-western, winter white" with a rapidly approach, middle age flabby body, and inviting people into come into the living room of my life. My flesh screams, "No Patric don't do it again! Don't humiliate yourself like this. Don't tell them the truth. Don't reveal your flaws so deeply. They won't like you. The won't respond well. They'll reject you and your team mates will lose respect for you. Just tell a story of 'token-brokenness' and save yourself the trouble."

(continued tomorrow)

Just the Facts Ma'am--CCO Debrief 1

Thanks so much to all of you who prayed for me last week and took the time to drop us a short note! It really was wonderful and tremendously encouraging to me.

I wanted to let you know how things went. However, I'm also a big believer in short(ish) posts so that everyone can keep up. So for the next week or so, I'll publish a couple of posts that have been occasioned by the speaking invitation from the Campus Coalition for Outreach, which are also a little more heart centered. The nuts and bolts update is below; the more reflective ones will come later.

In a nutshell, the retreat/seminar went very well. There were about 190 folks there all together, mostly campus staff, although the staff from the headquarters and some prospective staff were there as well. I taught the first and last of the three, 1-hour sessions, and my colleague Meredith taught the middle 1 hour session. (Meredith is a Virginia gentlemen who often informs me that in the genteel south, names such as his are more common place--though his full name is Basil Meredith Elder III, which explains why his son's name is Josh.) We also had 2 break out sessions which were more or less small group times. The rest of the time was taken up with CCO business meeting type stuff.

Meredith and I presented a simple, WHM-esque, 3 part introduction to the gospel, with specific reference to how that plays out in ministry. For most of the audience, I think that this was their first exposure to thinking deeply about the gospel in the ways we outlined. It's always hard to know how things go at an event like this (another post to follow on that topic), but all of the initial feedback was that the material was very engaging and well received. It was really, really great being with so many "younger people" (oh, how it deeply pains me to say that, but it's true, I was older than most of the campus staff who were there)--there was passion, energy, excitement. And of course, there was pain and brokenness. For a group that I had never met, and who didn't know me from Adam, I felt like we connected pretty quickly.

Meredith and I also spent some time with a few of their senior leadership to see if there may be other ways for WHM and CCO to mutually benefit from an ongoing relationship. There are lots of possibilities there, so we'll see what the Lord may bring about. BTW, having those sorts of conversations is one of the BEST parts about my job--seeing folks who are engaged in kingdom work, from all parts of the globe, and all walks of life all asking, "How might God be cultivating our relationship to help the kingdom go forward?" is just awesome.

So thank you so, so much for your prayers and encouragement. If you have time, check out the other posts that I'll work over the next little bit--those will tell you more about how my heart has been being challenged and encouraged.

When the "Next Thing" Shouldn't be the "Next Thing"

This Thursday and Friday, I and a colleague are going to do a retreat for 180 staff of a campus outreach organization (Coalition for Campus Outreach), taking a look at what the gospel has to say specifically about our spiritual lives as ministers. And unlike previous speaking engagements I don't have a sense of fear, or dread, or "oh crap, how did I get myself into this mess (again!)."

Instead, I've been struggling with how this retreat has just become "the next thing" on my calendar. Don't get me wrong, I'm really looking forward to a few days in lovely western PA, hanging out with 20 and 30 somethings, listening to their hearts and encouraging them with God's love and grace. In fact, if you would have asked me a few years ago if this was the sort of thing that would get me excited, I would have jumped up and down and said, "Yes! Yes! Yes!"

But at the moment, I just have so many other things swirling around that this has become "the next thing" on my never ending to-do list. I think what this really highlights is my tendency to "leak the gospel." I just tend to lose track of the power, the beauty and the transformation that the cross brings into my life. And when that happens it's all too easy to look at a time of intense spiritual ministry, to a group of people who are on the front lines of the spiritual battle, as "the next thing" on my list instead of the joy and honor that it truly is.

And lo and behold, when I ask why this should be so, I keep coming back to the same basic answer: when my love for Jesus and all that he has done for me seems like old hat, my desire to share it with other people becomes just "the next thing."

So for the next little bit will you please pray that my heart will be again captured by the wonder of the gospel! Ask God to really cuddle me close to him over the next little bit as I finish up preparing for my talks. And most all, plead with our High Priest that I'll be spiritually on top of it enough to know that this event isn't about me, and get out his way so that it can be all about him.