Doubts About the Speaker--CCO Debrief 3

(the following is a continuation of previous post, reflecting in my ministry and Romans 1)

[My flesh speaks loudly, encouraging me to not allow others to see my weakness when I teach]

Of course, Jesus also speaks to me too. And when he does, his voice has that strange combination of mockery, sympathy, and love that only a true, heart friend can use with you. It is one of those rare gifts that kindred spirits share--the ability to encourage and guide, done in just the particular way that will be most meaningful to you, and which by it's very nature tells you, "You matter to me. If you didn't, I'd just command, or order, or ignore you." It's rich stuff.

So when Jesus mocks-sympathizes-loves-commands me he often says something like, "Helllloooo. Patric, you twit! What are you doing worrying about this? Creating righteousness is my work, and my work alone. What possible thing do you think you could ever point to in your life, that is of any worth whatsoever when it comes to making people more like me? You want to look good. I want you help other people see how much I love you. Come, rely on my performance instead of your own. Let me have every ugly thing that you think worthless, hurtful, and black and I will take those things and show other people how much more I can offer to you and to them. You have nothing to fear or lose. You tell your part of the story--the brokenness, the idolatry, the ugliness of self love--and I'll tell my part of the story--the grace, the beauty of self-surrendering love, and the redemption that sets people free. No one needs you to redeem anything! (As if you even could! What a mess that would be.) To be redeemed and healed and cherished, they need me. And how, exactly, are you going to let them know how much they need me, if you don't have some seriously messed up crap in your life that needs to be redeemed." 

So at CCO, I gave the talk that Jesus wanted me give and not the one that I though would make me look best, or earn their respect. I talked about worshiping my idols, and murdering people in my heart when they dared to even remotely challenge those idols. I walked into the room fully dressed in my own reputation, and gifts, and abilities, and then slowly took them off--in front of 190 people I'd never met--until I was standing there in my swimsuit talking about the beauty of the cross, and my friend "Jesus the smart aleck" who also happens to be the Redeemer of the World. I invited people in, knowing that at least some of them would turn and run in horror when they heard my stuff. 

And what did it feel like? It pretty much felt just like being nailed to a cross. Well, OK, not "just like" being nailed to a cross. More like, what being nailed to a cross would feel like if they were using thumbtacks. Puncturing, but not truly deadly. (Until of course I started to get adulation from the audience for being so "authentic and honest." Then my flesh started worshiping itself for being so bold and taking so many risks for the sake of the kingdom. Ugggghhhh.... So much gospel, so little time.)