Yeah!! (oh, and I suck)

The first day I came into work at WHM, there was a stack of letters on my desk with a sticky note saying, "GRN needs to look at these." In that stack was very nice letter from two guys out in Omaha who had written a "gospel primer" type study and wondered if WHM would be interested in publishing it.

Well, after two years, countless phone calls, hundreds of e-mails, lots of reading and discussion, the first new WHM material on my watch is set to be published--The Gospel-Centered Life. The entire project excites me for a lots of reasons: I've made two new friends in Bob and Will--the study's authors, it will be WHM's first foray into e-publishing, the material is really well done and I think will be very useful to lots of peopple, and it is giving me a sense that things finally are happening as a result of my efforts (even if it has been really slow). We'll be planning to launch the publication at the PCA General Assembly in June, so check the WHM website starting in July if you want more info.

Oh... and the other thing. Even in the midst of seeing a great new study get published, I am again reminded of my need for the gospel. As we have been finishing I've felt a little nagging sense of "sure it's a good study, but...." With a little reflection, not very subtle reflection I might add, I've pinpointed the cause.

My sense of unease and discontentment is because my heart is crying out, "What about me?! I'm not going to get any credit for this! This is stuff that other people wrote. No one is going to read this and thing, 'Boy that Patric Knaak guy, is really on the ball. This is great stuff. He sure is a great teacher.'"

At heart, even though I sit at a desk most days and do behind the scenes work, I still long for the glory of being "the man"--the guy who wow's the crowd with his teaching, or writes the big study, or gets his book published. Being an unnoticed servant, in the Upside Down, Invisible Kingdom isn't what my heart longs for. My heart longs for building my own record of merit and accomplishment, seeing my own reputation increase, and leaving my mark on things in ways bring me attention and praise. Which if you think about it is twisted in gloriously sinful ways: I want be noticed for my originality and skills, instead of having Jesus noticed for his grace and mercy. (Well of course I want Jesus noticed too... as long as he doesn't get in the way of me being noticed. Oh, dear.)

I'm not sure what others might learn from The Gospel-Centered Life. I'm learning (again!) that I'm never going to outgrow my need for Jesus... and there is a lot of goodness in that.