Listen to What I am Saying

I got sick last week, and over the weekend I lost my voice.  And in doing so, I found out a little bit more about my heart.

You see with an energetic four year old around, I have to use my voice a good deal.  And sometimes, even with complete calmness and control, I find that I need to put a little "steel" in my tone and increase my volume to be sure that Parker is giving me his full attention.

What I didn't realize, (until I couldn't do it any more!) is how often my tone and volume are not dictated by calmness and parental good intent.  Instead my black heart bubbles up in frustration, or anger, or just plain selfishness, and I verbally take it out on the littlest guy in the room.  It isn't (usually) a long, screaming tirade that takes place.  But there is enough volume to communicate the heat of my sin.  

So over the weekend as Parker and I made Brunswick Stew, and mixed cornbread, and went to Chestnut Hill to get coffee and croissants, and ran to pick up a few things at the store, I continually found myself trying to raise my voice with irritation and anger, only to sound like an asthmatic, squeak toy.

The weakness of my voice, was again leading me to see the weakness of my heart.  Instead of being able to lash out at Parker verbally to make my point, I had to get up, draw close to him and really communicate.  And because I was so up close and face to face with him, I could easily see the reproach in his deep, dark eyes every time my frustration boiled over onto him.  The pain in those little eyes did what my willpower never does--it broke my heart anew over the breadth of my sin.  I was truly stunned by the ease with which I normally steamroll over the little man with my need for his instant obedience, and submission to me.

Jesus wisely tells us that our mouths are a window into our souls; they reveal what is hidden within.  That's true even when the words being spoken can't be uttered any louder than a whisper.

Would you continue to pray for us this week that we would see the depth of our sin as parents, so that we can help Parker know the depth of God's love and grace to those who can't fix themselves?