In Praise of... Being Sick?!

By anyone's account it's been a rough few weeks.  Since the beginning of November one member of the Knaak household has been continously sick.  I personally have had 2 colds, including 1 trip to the doctor for bronchitis, a round of antibotics and some truly wonderful codeine based cough syrup, all accompanied by the fatigue, tiredness, hacking, wheezing and general crappiness that goes along with being sick.  

But the real kicker came last week when Jennifer and I both came down with food poisoning after sharing a meal at local mexican restaurant.  It's been a while since I've been that sick.  Too nauseous watch TV, too feverish and drained to be able to read, and periodic death sprints to the bathroom pretty much summed up those 24 hours.

And yet in the midst of physical discomfort and brokenness, I do have a sense that God was again working to show me something that I so often miss in my normal self absorption.  During those 24 hours I was far more conscious of being dependent on God than during almost any time in the previous 24 months.  With no ability to stand, work, walk, move, care for Jennifer, or even distract myself, I again and again cried out to God to have mercy on me.  I was absolutely incapable of fixing myself, serving myself (forget about others!), or caring for myself.  The only pathway open to me was pure reliance and dependance on God.  Even my feverish mind could find no solace other than reminding myself that God really did love me, even if my body was completely a wreck.

Isn't it interesting that it took several weeks of busy-ness, coughs and colds, and a bout of severe food poisoning to soften my sin hardened heart into a posture of dependence?  

Even more intriguing is the idea that a day is coming in my future when this disposition of dependence will be so natural, so easy, so much a part of my being that it will be hard to believe I had ever lived another way for so many years.  In my cry of surrender, I could almost hear the pleasure of the Father rejoicing over one stoney soul, at least momentarily, collapsing into his grace and mercy.

And who knows, it may just be another round of bad steak tacos that actually ushers in that new state!  (Seriously folks, death seemed like a sweet friend around 4 AM ;-)

Emmanuel...No Protocol

It really is true...God is with us. Everywhere. All the time. I am starting to think this is something God is wanting me to really believe and hold on to and benefit from. Because he reminded me of it again last night.  

I went to the Women's Christmas dinner at our church and when the speaker said that the topic of her talk was Emmanuel, I knew God was trying to get my attention again. He was to be given the name Jesus (he who saves), but he will be called Emmanuel (God with us). God was sending us a personal message and asking for a personal response.  When she said this, there was a hush in the room.  (One of those, you had to be there kind of things!)

There are a lot of reasons why "God being with us" makes a difference, but last night a new comfort was brought to mind.  And, to me, this is huge. With Emmanuel, there is no protocol in our relationship. Let me explain. In human relationships, I often find myself wondering, "should I call her or just send an email?" or "maybe I've intruded too much, I shouldn't ask" or "I wish we could get together more, but we're just so busy," etc.  And this wondering about the relationship protocol drives me crazy sometimes.  But with Emmanuel, he is always available, always willing, always thrilled to be with me, always wanting to spend more time with me. He is the perfect friend...and of course, so much more.  

I pray that he will keep reminding me of this precious truth, because my heart abandons him all too often. But that reminds me of something else the speaker said last night. She told a story of an older married couple who, when asked how they had stayed together for so long said, "Well, I told my wife if she ever decided to leave me, I'd go with her!" And that's what Jesus does with me, when my heart abandons him, he goes with me...because he's Emmanuel. :)

Emmanuel...I am not alone.

I have been feeling low lately. Partly it's because I've been sick for most of the last couple months, so physically I'm worn out. I can't seem to get anything accomplished. This lack of energy takes its toll on my emotions for sure. Partly it's because I still fight feeling lonely living in a new place. All of my relationships have been in a transitional state for so long that it gets wearying and feels very unstable. And so, I found myself at the end of this last week feeling quite depleted.

And yet...the still small voice of Emmanuel broke through my pain. Through the kind words of Patric on the phone, through the words of familiar Christmas carols sung with friends at World Harvest, I was reminded of my Emmanuel. God with us. Christ with me. I am not alone. This is a truth that I need to hear often these days when doubts and fears creep in, when I start to feel forgotten. 

Just that word, Emmanuel, has always brought peace to my soul every Christmas. But this year, it has new depth for me. I am so grateful for his presence with me, so glad he came to save me, that he will never leave me, never let me go.