Doubts About the Speaker--CCO Debrief 2

(The following is part 2 of a short series debriefing a recent speaking experience I had--for the back story, scroll down to previous posts)

Over the last little bit as I've been thinking about my work at WHM, I've continued to come back to Romans 1:16-17:

¹⁶I am not ashamed of the gospel, because it is the power of God for the salvation of everyone who believes: first for the Jew, then for the Gentile. ¹⁷For in the gospel a righteousness from God is revealed, a righteouness that is by faith from first to last, just as it is written: "The righteous will live by faith."

So for the next several posts I'm going to do a little theological meditation on Romans 1 and my calling at WHM, through the lens of the recent CCO retreat that I and Meredith did (you can read about that event in the previous post). And for those you--like me!--who get a little worried about "theological meditation" replacing "solid exegesis" when it comes to today's bible teaching, I want to be clear. The following posts are not what I think Romans 1 teaches in an expositional sense, nor are they "my take" on Romans 1. I'm really just debriefing my heart condition with you, and Romans 1 has been the place that God has been using to cause me to think more deeply about these issues.

One of the parts of my current ministry that has been simultaneously wonderful, and I'll also admit it, pretty hard on my ego, is the way that God has been choosing to use my story to point people deeper into the gospel. The thing that is so striking about this is that:

1. I am "ashamed" about the parts of my story that God seems to use so much, and
2. The reason I am "ashamed" is because those parts of my story point out just how much I want a righteousness of my own making instead of a righteousness that comes only from God, that has been earned by Christ, and which then is given to me by faith (which is itself a gift from God).

The "main" life illustrations that God insists that I talk about center around my failures--my failure to earn a Ph.D., my failure in ministry to really love people well at my former church, my failure to consistently love Parker and Jennifer they way they deserve. I feel like every time I get up to speak at a WHM event that I'm answering the door to a formal dinner party dressed in my swimsuit! Everyone else has fine clothes, deeds and manners to hide their wobbly bits, and here I am "mid-western, winter white" with a rapidly approach, middle age flabby body, and inviting people into come into the living room of my life. My flesh screams, "No Patric don't do it again! Don't humiliate yourself like this. Don't tell them the truth. Don't reveal your flaws so deeply. They won't like you. The won't respond well. They'll reject you and your team mates will lose respect for you. Just tell a story of 'token-brokenness' and save yourself the trouble."

(continued tomorrow)