In Praise of... Being Sick?!

By anyone's account it's been a rough few weeks.  Since the beginning of November one member of the Knaak household has been continously sick.  I personally have had 2 colds, including 1 trip to the doctor for bronchitis, a round of antibotics and some truly wonderful codeine based cough syrup, all accompanied by the fatigue, tiredness, hacking, wheezing and general crappiness that goes along with being sick.  

But the real kicker came last week when Jennifer and I both came down with food poisoning after sharing a meal at local mexican restaurant.  It's been a while since I've been that sick.  Too nauseous watch TV, too feverish and drained to be able to read, and periodic death sprints to the bathroom pretty much summed up those 24 hours.

And yet in the midst of physical discomfort and brokenness, I do have a sense that God was again working to show me something that I so often miss in my normal self absorption.  During those 24 hours I was far more conscious of being dependent on God than during almost any time in the previous 24 months.  With no ability to stand, work, walk, move, care for Jennifer, or even distract myself, I again and again cried out to God to have mercy on me.  I was absolutely incapable of fixing myself, serving myself (forget about others!), or caring for myself.  The only pathway open to me was pure reliance and dependance on God.  Even my feverish mind could find no solace other than reminding myself that God really did love me, even if my body was completely a wreck.

Isn't it interesting that it took several weeks of busy-ness, coughs and colds, and a bout of severe food poisoning to soften my sin hardened heart into a posture of dependence?  

Even more intriguing is the idea that a day is coming in my future when this disposition of dependence will be so natural, so easy, so much a part of my being that it will be hard to believe I had ever lived another way for so many years.  In my cry of surrender, I could almost hear the pleasure of the Father rejoicing over one stoney soul, at least momentarily, collapsing into his grace and mercy.

And who knows, it may just be another round of bad steak tacos that actually ushers in that new state!  (Seriously folks, death seemed like a sweet friend around 4 AM ;-)

Emmanuel...No Protocol

It really is true...God is with us. Everywhere. All the time. I am starting to think this is something God is wanting me to really believe and hold on to and benefit from. Because he reminded me of it again last night.  

I went to the Women's Christmas dinner at our church and when the speaker said that the topic of her talk was Emmanuel, I knew God was trying to get my attention again. He was to be given the name Jesus (he who saves), but he will be called Emmanuel (God with us). God was sending us a personal message and asking for a personal response.  When she said this, there was a hush in the room.  (One of those, you had to be there kind of things!)

There are a lot of reasons why "God being with us" makes a difference, but last night a new comfort was brought to mind.  And, to me, this is huge. With Emmanuel, there is no protocol in our relationship. Let me explain. In human relationships, I often find myself wondering, "should I call her or just send an email?" or "maybe I've intruded too much, I shouldn't ask" or "I wish we could get together more, but we're just so busy," etc.  And this wondering about the relationship protocol drives me crazy sometimes.  But with Emmanuel, he is always available, always willing, always thrilled to be with me, always wanting to spend more time with me. He is the perfect friend...and of course, so much more.  

I pray that he will keep reminding me of this precious truth, because my heart abandons him all too often. But that reminds me of something else the speaker said last night. She told a story of an older married couple who, when asked how they had stayed together for so long said, "Well, I told my wife if she ever decided to leave me, I'd go with her!" And that's what Jesus does with me, when my heart abandons him, he goes with me...because he's Emmanuel. :)

Emmanuel...I am not alone.

I have been feeling low lately. Partly it's because I've been sick for most of the last couple months, so physically I'm worn out. I can't seem to get anything accomplished. This lack of energy takes its toll on my emotions for sure. Partly it's because I still fight feeling lonely living in a new place. All of my relationships have been in a transitional state for so long that it gets wearying and feels very unstable. And so, I found myself at the end of this last week feeling quite depleted.

And yet...the still small voice of Emmanuel broke through my pain. Through the kind words of Patric on the phone, through the words of familiar Christmas carols sung with friends at World Harvest, I was reminded of my Emmanuel. God with us. Christ with me. I am not alone. This is a truth that I need to hear often these days when doubts and fears creep in, when I start to feel forgotten. 

Just that word, Emmanuel, has always brought peace to my soul every Christmas. But this year, it has new depth for me. I am so grateful for his presence with me, so glad he came to save me, that he will never leave me, never let me go.  

Listen to What I am Saying

I got sick last week, and over the weekend I lost my voice.  And in doing so, I found out a little bit more about my heart.

You see with an energetic four year old around, I have to use my voice a good deal.  And sometimes, even with complete calmness and control, I find that I need to put a little "steel" in my tone and increase my volume to be sure that Parker is giving me his full attention.

What I didn't realize, (until I couldn't do it any more!) is how often my tone and volume are not dictated by calmness and parental good intent.  Instead my black heart bubbles up in frustration, or anger, or just plain selfishness, and I verbally take it out on the littlest guy in the room.  It isn't (usually) a long, screaming tirade that takes place.  But there is enough volume to communicate the heat of my sin.  

So over the weekend as Parker and I made Brunswick Stew, and mixed cornbread, and went to Chestnut Hill to get coffee and croissants, and ran to pick up a few things at the store, I continually found myself trying to raise my voice with irritation and anger, only to sound like an asthmatic, squeak toy.

The weakness of my voice, was again leading me to see the weakness of my heart.  Instead of being able to lash out at Parker verbally to make my point, I had to get up, draw close to him and really communicate.  And because I was so up close and face to face with him, I could easily see the reproach in his deep, dark eyes every time my frustration boiled over onto him.  The pain in those little eyes did what my willpower never does--it broke my heart anew over the breadth of my sin.  I was truly stunned by the ease with which I normally steamroll over the little man with my need for his instant obedience, and submission to me.

Jesus wisely tells us that our mouths are a window into our souls; they reveal what is hidden within.  That's true even when the words being spoken can't be uttered any louder than a whisper.

Would you continue to pray for us this week that we would see the depth of our sin as parents, so that we can help Parker know the depth of God's love and grace to those who can't fix themselves?

Sonship Week Vignette 2--I Need an Interpreter

Every day during Sonship Week the staff would gather for a staff meeting and prayer while the conference participants were in one of their small groups.  Even at the best of times, I hate going to meetings.  And the only thing worse that going to a meeting is having to lead a meeting.

Everyone else gets to laugh and joke and relax.  I on the other hand am furiously scribbling notes for things to remember to mention, watching the clock so that we have enough time to pray and then get down to lunch before the lines get too long, and generally trying to figure out how to lead a group of folks who are all generally a good deal older than I am.  Even without the stresses of the week, I'd be pretty close to over my head in that sort of situation.  I like calm.  I like order.  I like having enough time to carefully consider things.  Sonship Week staff meetings (by their very nature) have none of those things.

At one meeting, I introduced a topic that needed a decision, listened for about .8 seconds and then moved on mentally to the next thing I needed to remember to say.  As the discussion swirled around me, I was lost in my own little world, and when the conversation finally came to a halt, I summarized the group's decision.  Except that I didn't.

As I was moving on to the next topic, Jennifer kindly placed one hand on my knee and said, "Patric, I don't think you were really listening to what the group was saying."  (Uncanny how she was able to spot this so quickly, since I never fail to listen to her while she is talking!)  Indeed, I had gotten the gist of the conversation exactly wrong, and without Jennifer's kind intervention I would have continued to tromp straight ahead with my own plans and agenda.  The group had a good laugh and several folks asked if Jennifer could come to all of our meetings back in Philadelphia to interpret for me.

It's amazing to me how that scenario so closely resembles so much of my prayer life.  It isn't that I don't talk to God.  I talk all the time.  But like the guy who is running a staff meeting, I simply move through my list, being sure that I mention what I think is so needful, and very rarely pausing for a response, let alone sitting still long enough to listen.  The funny thing is that I always think rushing more quickly will provide the space and time my soul craves and it never does.  When it comes to our spiritual lives (or even just leading meetings) velocity is antithetical to relationship, and most of the time it feels like my life is all about the velocity.

  

Sonship Week Vignette 1--On Time Righteousness

This year at Sonship Week we tried a few new things.  One of them was an attempt to have a better integration between worship and the teaching that we were providing.  Like every collaborative effort, working with a lot of moving parts takes a fair bit of co-ordination.  In this case, this meant that we were asking our speakers to finish their talks promptly, so that there would be enough space and time for our worship and times of response.

As the leader of the week, the responsibility for keeping us on schedule largely fell to me, and I must say the teaching team really did a remarkable job of working hard to finish their talks on time.  And of course, in my own desire to lead by example (1%), serve the rest of the team well (1%) and prove just how possible it was to deliver an excellent talk and finish right on time since I'm such and "old pro" at it (98%), I again saw just how much I need the gospel.

On Thursday AM, I gave a talk about how we need to have daily intimacy with our Father for the gospel to grow in our lives.  To be honest, even though I had thoroughly timed out the talk, and written my stop time (9:10) on the top of all my notes, I was totally lost in the moment.  I felt free!  I felt alive!  I felt like I was really connecting with the audience!!  And when I sat down, I finally remembered to look at my watch.  And...  it said 9:10 on the dot!!!

Are you ready for the fall?  My immediate response was, "Yeah!  All right!  I did it just right.  I said what I wanted, the way I wanted and I finished right on time.  I'm worthy of the team's respect."  And then, what do you think I noticed?  I noticed that on the timed schedule for the day, that my finish time was actually 9:05 and not 9:10.  My immediate response was, "Oh crap!  I really blew it.  I didn't perform the way I needed to, and no matter what I said or how well I said it, this talk is failure.  I'm a failure."

You can see the problem here can't you?  My righteousness and reputation before God does not improve even if I do everything right, or even if I do everything wrong.  Both of those swings of emotion revealed to me that even in the midst of hearing the gospel at Sonship Week, I'm still always striving to establish my own righteousness--a self-righteousness that is based on my merit and performance (even when that merit is trivial!!).

Of course the story gets worse.  After sitting there in despair for a few minutes and pondering the unbelief that each of the reactions evidenced, I then remembered that we had started the session 5 minutes late... So I was on time after all!  And right in that moment, even after having just seen how greedy my heart was for my own reputation and repenting of it, I again ran right back to my  "on time righteousness" as my defining identity.  

Sheesh... I thought Sonship Week was going to fix all of that!

Sonship Week Went Great!

Thanks to all of you who prayed for us this last week!!  Sonship Week went very, very well.  The World Harvest team did a great job of teaching, mentoring and overseeing details, Keith and Jamie provided wonderful worship, and Asheville was beautiful, as always.  It truly was an honor for me to work with such gifted and dedicated staff and I could not be more proud of them.

Jennifer and I are particularly grateful for your prayers since she ended up being sick at the beginning of the week when we told our story together and we were fighting off sore throats the rest of the time.  We had many, many couples come up to us throughout the retreat and tell us how much they appreciated our honesty.  To tell you the truth, it felt a little bit like answering the door for a dinner party in your swimsuit, but once I got over my pride, I sensed that we were talking about just the right things for starting off the week.

And... I was again reminded of just how much I need the gospel.  Hearing excellent Christ centered and grace motivated teaching, the stress of trying to stay on top of details, and the way my anger and selfishness kept erupting with Jennifer all served to again show me just how desperately my heart needs Jesus.  

I'll post a few more "windows into the week" a little later.  Thank you again for your love and prayers.

Pray for Us!!

"Oh crap, oh crap, oh crap, oh crap, oh crap.  This is cannot be happening to me!"

The words of a CIA operative as his cover is blown in dangerous enemy territory?  No, not really. They are the words of my tiny, sin soaked heart, that is so "unfull" of faith right now.  

And what has brought about this state of angst?  Terminal illness?  Financial disaster?  Abject moral failure?  No.   Having my idols challenged and exposed--such a little thing when you think about it!

Next week is Sonship Week, the major conference that our team puts on each year.  It was at Sonship Week 6 years ago that Jennifer and I first got hooked up with World Harvest.  And it was one of the few, truly life shaping events of our lives.  And now... now I have done a very, very stupid thing.  I've signed up to be in charge of it this year.

Now don't get me wrong.  We've been working hard, planing well, making appropriate changes, finding the best folks we can to speak, and lead worship, and do the personal mentoring.  It will be a great conference, especially because I believe it delights God to work in the lives of his people so powerfully.  But my heart is very (very) far from believing that my contributions to the week are going to do anything but be a disappointment.  I've been trying to iron out the final edits for my teaching, and as I look the material it just seems so... puny, small, incredibly non-transformative.  

So if you think about it, will you please pray for us (Jennifer is speaking too!).  Pray that in the midst of my unbelief I'll again turn to Jesus.  Pray that I will rest confidently in the fact that it is the Spirits work, not my skills or abilities, that cause transformation to happen.  And pray that I'll again find tenderness and nourishment at the table of my heavenly Dad,  instead of trying to go off on my own, feast on the ashes of idolatry, and then pretend that I've had a really satisfying meal.

We're Trying!

I can't believe that it's been over a year since we've moved!!  

I also can't believe it's taken me a year to get a blog up and running, and that we still haven't found a good, reliable way to stay in touch with all of our friends and family.  Of course, it's always great when we can visit on the phone or in person, but we long to invite you into our daily lives more regularly.  And frankly, we feel like we've let a lot of people down since our schedules have been so haphazard.  Sometimes folks really know what is going on, and sometimes....  (we just trail off ;-) 

So... we're hoping that this blog will really help.  We won't be posting every day, but there will probably be something new every week.  We'll try to keep you updated on daily life here in Philly, how we're doing spiritually, and any other assorted ideas that are popping up.

So thanks for reading, and hopefully we'll be able to post regularly from now on.