Jennifer's Condition--Follow Up 2

We met with the GI specialist today. He was a nice man who listened well and seemed to understand well when I described my symptoms. He was not surprised that my gall bladder tests came back normal since most of my pain is on my left side. And, that's what I kept trying to tell everyone. So, he scheduled me for an endoscopy, but in the mean time gave me a script for an anti-spasm drug for the pain (which I feel like is already working). And he also wants me to take fiber pills and take/eat probiotics. His guess is that it's a simple matter of my colon just not functioning properly (not a structural problem), but with a little help, it should do fine.

The first available endoscopy slot wasn't until during Sonship Week, and I really don't want to have this done without Patric. The next one was on my birthday...no thank you! So, I'm scheduled for Nov. 13th. Obviously, if I need to have it sooner due to increased pain, I'll do so. But for now, my goal is just to get back into the land of the living. He said I probably won't be running any races any time soon, but I should be able to get out and walk. I'll take that! :)

Jennifer's Condition--Follow Up 1

We heard back from the primary care physician today. The radioactive gallbladder test said that her gallbladder was normal, and functioning OK--aside from it now glowing in the dark. Next step is to see the GI specialist tomorrow, since we've ruled out so many other things so far.

Jennifer's Condition--Initial Update

For all of our friends out there, we wanted to try and catch you up on what has been happening with Jennifer. We're sorry about the spotty communication, but as you can see below, we've been running a mile a minute. We'll update the blog regularly since we've been getting so many "how are you notes" and haven't been able to respond to everyone right away. If you know some of the story, feel free to skip down until you find new info. In the future, we'll do shorter (much much much shorter), more frequent posts, but this is just the "get everyone up to date post."

The Initial Problem
A few months ago Jennifer was experiencing significant stomach/digestive pain, especially after eating. She went to her primary care doc who did very little and essentially said, "Try to watch what you eat and take over the counter Nexium." Jennifer had been doing that now for several months, with some relief, but lately with growing bouts of significant pain. Over the summer she's had a few instances where she's either vomited, or really been bent over with pain, but then it would go away, and the symptoms were never exactly the same, or seemed like they may have been associated with something else.

Last Weekend
Last weekend Jennifer was going to go to a friend's birthday, but was again overtaken with severe nausea and pain in her chest, this time with a fever. After resting for the weekend, she felt marginally better, but not well, so she again went to see her primary care doctor. This time she was referred to a GI specialist. She has been disappointed with the quality of care from her doctor (no further medication, no help with the pain; but they did do an EKG to rule out a heart issue). But she was sort of stuck, so she was set to wait until Friday to see the GI specialist. I was scheduled to be in St. Louis for the week and had left on Monday as planned.

Monday afternoon when I was checking in to my hotel, Jennifer called in tears because the pain had gotten so bad. Her mother and a nurse friend her were suggesting that she go to the ER and not wait to see the GI specialist on Friday. This was complicated since no one was home to stay with Parker (though the nurse friend offered to come spend the night with him--Thanks Kim!!) Jennifer decided to wait until Tuesday AM and take Parker to school and then go to the ER.

Tuesday in the ER
Tuesday AM Jennifer went to the ER. Through out the day they did a whole series of tests: full blood and urine work, EKG, x-ray, ultrasound of her liver, pancreas, gallbladder and kidneys, and a CAT scan. They also gave her some drugs for the pain, but alas none of my beloved Vicodin. For the most part, all of the tests simply confirmed that there was nothing "major" wrong with her: no heart attacks, infections, masses etc., all of her major organs were healthy and working well. She talked to several ER docs and a surgeon or two along the way. Their best guess was that it was a gallbladder problem.

The underlying drama was that Jennifer wouldn't be released in time to meet Parker at the bus. She had a friend who volunteered, but who then also came down with severe abdominal pain and had to go see her doctor (Thanks Ashely! Hope you are feeling better too.) So with some last minute scrambling, WHM came to the rescue sending Ginny to meet Parker and then take him over to another WHM family's house for dinner (Thanks Ginny and Jodie!!). Jennifer then picked him up later that night when she was released.

Meanwhile I was still in St. Louis, getting text message updates and talking to Jen when she had a minute here and there, while trying to attend the seminar I was at. Eventually I decided it was just too much and so changed my ticket ($211 to travel the exact same route I would be traveling 2 days later, on the same crappy little plane... thanks you frickers at US Air for being so understanding... NOT!) and flew home on Tuesday, getting home at midnight.

Wednesday in Nuclear Medicine
There was a further scan that the docs had wanted her to have on Tuesday, but unfortunately due to a mix up she couldn't have it done while admitted to the ER. So on Wednesday, I got Parker ready for school (with a last minute bloody nose, meaning he couldn't ride the bus) and got him off and then we went back to the hospital. The test injected a nuclear isotope into Jen's blood stream that was tagged with a chemical that made it adhere to her gallbladder and liver. Then a series of time lapse pictures were take to determine 1) if there was any serious blockage (there was not as far as we could tell); 2) how her gallbladder was functioning. (those are the pictures up above)


Today, Thursday, we are supposed to hear back from her primary care doctor about the next step... see a surgeon? see her GI specialist? sue for malpractice?

Jennifer is still in a good deal of pain, and though very hungry, only able to eat limited amounts of certain types of food. For the time being I'll be taking care of the man and running things at home, while trying to be in at work during the day {in addition to the St. Louis trip, I've got an new person joining our team (Welcome Jeff!), a board meeting coming up where I have a few minor responsibilities and we were supposed to host a board member (may have to wait until next time Nathan!), and... SONSHIP WEEK which takes oodles of planning and we are now in the red zone in terms of work for the week. Plus all the other day to day stuff that just needs to happen week in and week out at work.}

What You Can Do
Send large cash gifts so that I can clone myself and then take Jennifer to an experimental pain treatment center in the Caribbean where we'll need to stay for 6 months. Or... pray! Right now we have some great support from the WHM office and a few of our new friends, so we're OK in terms of basic needs.

But we desperately need prayers for:
1) Reduction of pain and healing for Jennifer.

2) A clear, correct diagnosis from the Dr's so that we can find a good medical solution.

3) Patience and grace for me as I try to hold down my work responsibilities, take care of the household stuff, and be sure that Parker and Jennifer and being taken care of. There was a meltdown of epic proportions yesterday. Somehow I don't think the AWANA creators envisioned dads slamming their hands down on the table bringing tears to their 5 year old's eyes while shouting, "You will learn this verse! It isn't that hard, you just aren't trying." (Well, OK, they're a pretty militant bunch, so yes maybe they did envision that, but still...).

Thanks for all of your calls, texts and e-mails. The are wonderful!!! Please be patient with us, we simply haven't had the time or space to call everyone back, or respond by e-mail. It's very encouraging for Jennifer to hear from everyone, though she's been too drained to respond; so if you are willing, keeping sending us the good stuff knowing that we probably won't be able to call right away.

OK, more posts when we no more. For now, thanks for praying.

Slipping through my fingers...

I just put my baby on the bus for his first day of Kindergarten. Can't believe he's already 5 1/2 years old. Can't believe someone else is going to be shaping his little mind, heart, and soul for 7 hours each day. Can't believe God gave him to us in the first place. Oh, what a precious gift! Oh, how I am going to miss him! Oh, how I need Jesus to help me let go.

I'm overwhelmed with gratefulness right now for the moments I've had with my dear son over the last 5 years. We've spent so much one-on-one time that I think I'm grieving the loss of that right now. But every time I have joked with him and said, "Please don't grow up. I love age (4)," the next year gets even better. So, I have hope that each year with each of its growing pains will be sweeter than the last as our relationship deepens.

When Parker was baptized, the verse we chose for him was Eph. 1:3-6, "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ. For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love, he predestined us to be adopted as sons through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will--to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves." ...I'm comforted knowing he's in good hands. :)

15 Feet of Gospel

I don't want to share this, but I have to. Keeping with the whole "How does the gospel apply to us as a work place" theme that we've been exploring here in the Sending Center, here's a true story that happened just yesterday.

I had arranged to have a call with an outside organization about a conference that they wanted WHM to come and speak at. On our end I was going to be joined on the phone by someone else from the office. About 5 minutes before the call, I noticed that my co-worker, we'll call him Saul, hadn't come by my office yet. So I went to swing by Saul's office to see if he was ready to go.

As I was walking down the hall, about 5 feet before I got to his office I thought to myself, "He better be here! I went to the trouble of arranging the call and making sure the other organization knew that he was going to be there for it." And as soon as I saw his empty office, I immediately snapped to myself, "Well that's just great. Where is this guy?!"

As I continued to walk down the hall another 5 feet, I noticed the lights on in the conference room and I immediately thought, "Oh Patric.... You sad, small, judgmental legalist. Saul is probably in the conference room right now, attending our morning prayer meeting, praying for our missionaries and maybe even for your meeting. Why do you jump to such conclusions and never seem to think the best of your brother?" It was such a great reminder of how instantly my heart reaches out and judges someone for even the slightest infraction of rules in the "Fifedom of Knaak."

As I approached the conference room, I looked inside without breaking stride and saw that low and behold, Saul wasn't there either. My response, before I had even walked another 5 feet? "I KNEW it! I knew he wasn't in there and that he would be late. This is just like him. He better get here soon or I'm not going to be happy about this. At all."

So in the space of 15 feet I had judged Saul for not being in his office and ready to go, was then convicted of my sin and repented (assuming that he was in the prayer meeting), then sinned again against Saul with my self-righteous attitude as soon as I saw he wasn't in the prayer meeting either. Two rounds of sin and 1 round of repentance in the 10 steps it took me to walk 15 feet down the hallway. My heart turns on dime when it comes to sinning, but when it comes to receiving and resting and relying on the grace of God my heart responds like a semi-truck being pulled by Chihuahua.

And the best part of this... in the 30 seconds that I was gone to see where Saul was, he had called and left a very nice message on my voice mail saying he hadn't forgotten about the call and was on his way up the stairs right then. The call started right on time, with everyone present an accounted for.

I can't help but think that my big brother Jesus had a huge smirk on his face as I was listening to Saul's voice mail. For the Savior of the World, he's got a pretty good sense of humor, and he just loves irony.

The Injustice of Jesus

In the Sending Center here at WHM, we've starting going through our new small group study, The Gospel-Centered Life in an effort to keep thinking about how the gospel renews and transforms us as work place.

A recent lesson on minimizing our sin got me to start thinking more about how and why I minimize my own sin, especially at work. One of the things that is definitely a "hot button" sin for me is the need to justify myself. Sometimes it is big, and grandiose, and I need to let everyone know about it. But most of the time it is far more insidious--it is a quiet, private, ongoing conversation in my head where I reply to each action and each response of everyone involved arguing my case, showing them how I'm right I am (or at least more right than they are). These sorts of conversations, whether public or private, always feature some element of, "I may not have done things exactly right, but that's because so-and-so ___________ (sinned against me first, didn't do what they were supposed to, is so stubborn and unrepentant, expects too much of me, doesn't understand how hard things are for me... take your pick). Ahhh... the heady elixir of blameshifting. It's hard to admit, but I'm addicted to it and no amount of resolution on my part will cure me of it.

So as I was thinking and praying these issues through, I was again reminded of a simple truth that I hadn't really thought about in a long time--Jesus knows exactly what it is like to have someone misread his motives and accuse him of something that isn't true. Although he was perfect, he came and lived and ate and worked with people who were decidedly not perfect. And as the quintessential human being, there was at least the temptation on his part to respond the same way I do when I feel that I've been treated unfairly. But he never does this does he? You never see Jesus walking around muttering to himself while mentally rehashing events, or yelling at the Pharisees, "Oh yeah. Well if you wouldn't have been such legalists to begin with, I wouldn't have had to turn Elias into a pile of dust! This is your fault."

The truly remarkable thing to me about Jesus' consistently perfect response to these challenges is that he KNEW he was right! Every single time something happened, Jesus knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that he wasn't misreading someone's motives, or going off half-cocked without all the facts. He knew that whatever sin was messing things up, it wasn't his. The false accusations, the willful rebellion, the stubborn refusals, the out and out rejection of him in favor of pet idols... in each and every case, Jesus would have been perfectly justified in executing the exact judgement that the law required, because he knew that he was never at fault. And yet the only judgement that gets executed is upon Jesus, as he pays for the sins of his children on the cross.

I think one of the many (many, many, many) reasons I fall so short of Jesus in this particular area is that I find it impossible to completely, utterly and totally rely on his merit instead of earning my own. Think about this for a second, Jesus never (ever) tried to establish his own reputation before men and women because he rested so secure in his Father's love for him and the identity that the Father had established for him. I think I can count on one hand the number of times I've had someone be in opposition to me at work where I've consciously and convincingly relied on the merit that Jesus has earned for me, instead of jumping in to start explaining why I'm right and they are wrong.

Sin has rewired my heart to be "auto-justifiying." I don't even need to try, it just happens. So here's to praying for more disruption and rewiring of my sin-hobbled heart. Here's to more situations where I can see clearly that my Father's love, Christ's hard earned merit, and the Holy Spirit's gentle helping and empowering offer me far more at work than a well worded e-mail, a well argued case, or a sense of "I may be wrong, but they are more wrong!" Here's to the seeming injustice of not defending my record, so that I can more desperately and clearly cling to Jesus' record.

Vacation Postlude

We recently returned from vacation. One of the great things we did this year was return to the Stratford Shakespeare Festival, in Stratford Ontario. Seeing 7 plays in 4 days isn't everyone's cup of tea, but for me it's "rejuvenation therapy by drama."

One of the most interesting plays was Three Sisters by Anton Chekhov. The play traces the plight of three sisters who have been uprooted from their lives of culture and prominence in Moscow when their father, a general in the Russian artillery, is transferred out to a small town in the middle of nowhere and subsequently dies. Chekhov is masterful in his study of what happens to people when their deepest hopes and longings go unmet. The constant refrain of the sisters is that all will be put aright when they finally find a way to return to Moscow and their former lives.

The play had a bewitching, soul searching effect on me. It takes very little empathy to realize that "Moscow" in the play represents the deepest longings of the sister's soul--the things that if they were forced to live without would make life unbearable. To be honest, the play threw me into a bit of a funk for the better part of the next day! It really made me ponder the question, "Patric, what is it that your heart most longs, which you secretly fear will never come to pass?"

I'm not sure even now how to answer that question, other than to say deep in my soul there are many, deep, primal unmet desires and more often than not, I simply see Jesus as inadequate to meet them. In the same way that "Moscow" represented much more than a city for the sisters, so too "career," and "relationships," and "money," and "security/control," represent so much more for me. The play, if nothing else, was a stark reminder to me that the in the warp and weave of my life's journey, I long for much that will never be fulfilled, except by Christ. And in the stillness of those moments, all too often my unbelieving heart clutches and panics in the same way my lungs do when I've been underwater for too long.

One of the deep truths of my life is that I'm afraid that even Jesus will never be enough for me. What happens if at the end of my life I look back on all that has been said and done (or left unsaid, and undone) and find that I have never truly been fulfilled, or content, or loved enough to abandon my own selfish agendas and truly love others? What happens if in the midst of suffering and pain, I come to believe that Jesus is no longer willing to be good to me? Some deep part of me is afraid that Jesus--no matter how good, or strong, or loving, or wise--will never be enough to give me the peace I so desperately crave and which I so resolutely refuse to enjoy because it requires that I surrender my will to him entirely.

I do believe that Jesus is my only hope in life and death. (Help my unbelief.) And I do believe that Jesus has secured the Father's unbridled delight for me. (Help my unbelief.) And, as The Three Sisters reminded me, I also believe that there are things other than Jesus which will give me what he will not. (Help my unbelief.)

So in light of all this, what is your heart longing for? What is the thing that you secretly want more than anything else, and that if you do not get it, will make you discontent for the rest of your life? The gospel doesn't just free us once. It frees us every day, because our idols are new every day.

The Uganda-Naperville Connection

I have to admit, I'm a little dubious about most of the claims of modern technology. Machines can't do what a few minutes of face to face, heart to heart connection can.

Yet... there are times when technology does seem to make things possible that even a few short years ago would have never happened. When I started working at World Harvest, I started reading the blogs of our missionaries. Each entry is kind of like a "from the battlefield" report on how the kingdom is advancing around the world. Over time, I've passed along some of those stories to others, and in turn, they have also passed them along.

So imagine my surprise when Amy Pasqualini (on staff at NPC in the Children's Ministries department) wrote to say she'd had enough, was going to do something about it. Amy had been reading the blog of our team leader's in Uganda, as they noted the low supplies of HIV retro-viral drugs. So Amy took it upon herself to write letters to a few news outlets asking if they would consider highlighting the plight of rural Ugandans. And lo and behold... one of them did!

So the follow story appeared in Friday's Naperville Sun newspaper. Thanks to Amy, for making an effort when it seemed futile, and thanks to Drs. Scott and Jennifer Myhre for their ongoing love for all things Uganda.

You can read the Sun article here.

You can read the original blog entry from the Myhre's here.

Reading a blog isn't same thing as being there... but it does give you a front row seat to the ways in which our world is broken, and how Christ is coming to heal, redeem and make all things new.

And as a techno-skeptic, it has also reminded how grateful I am for all of the ways that all of you are interwoven in my life... even if at times it has to be through blogs and e-mails instead of face to face.

Even My Vomit is More Righteous Than Yours

Unbelief is an odd thing. It doesn't always look like I think it does.

Popular culture would have us believe that unbelief looks like a perpetual "dim night" of the soul where nothing is clear, nothing understood, nothing worth believing or living any more than anything else. And to be sure, there are some of us, who have stood with clenched fist, or searching, plaintive cry listening for an answer or response when none seems forthcoming. Or even worse, we've seen the best answers that can be marshaled and found them wanting.

I'd like to tell you that this is what my unbelief looks like too, if for no other reason than these versions of it seem understandable, "normal" if you will. But I was again reminded this weekend that I have a deep seated, flesh-driven sense that there is something other than Jesus, and his ways and his cross, which will make me feel full and content and free.

After what had been a pretty busy, but satisfying, weekend I was ready for a little down time. As I've grown older and busier, I've discovered an almost manic need for the opportunity to withdraw from human contact for a few hours a week. My shriveled soul needs space, silence, and solitude if it is to re-hydrate and be fit for human companionship.

So you can imagine where my heart started heading when 10 minutes into my peaceful reading session, there was a wail and then insistent crying from Parker who was tucked in downstairs on the sofa. A little further investigation revealed that he had thrown up all over himself, the sofa, his blankets and his pillows. And in that moment, seeing a vomit covered child, a vomit stained sofa, and my little boy who was scared and feeling unwell, I did what came naturally... I freaked out. By the time Jennifer came inside, Parker was standing in the kitchen dripping slime on the floor, saying over and over, "I didn't mean to do it, daddy. I didn't mean to." Yes, just another normal Sabbath day afternoon at the Knaak household.

At the time all the tears and apologies didn't do anything to quell my anger. After cleanliness and order had been restored by She Who Must Be Obeyed, we conducted our usual parental after action report.

"Patric!! What were you thinking. How could you yell at him just because he threw up?! He's just a little boy." (note from Jennifer: I don't remember saying it just like this.  Maybe it was the H.S. getting to him?  ;-)

"Yes, but you're missing the point."

"What point? I think when you have a five year old, covered in his own puke and a grown man freaking out, we've moved well beyond the normal situations where there is a point to be had."

"You're not listening to me. I wasn't yelling at him because he threw up! I was yelling at him because he didn't get up and go to the bathroom to throw up. Or at least get up off the sofa and get onto the kitchen tile. I would have even settled for any movement toward an appropriate venue. Don't roll your eyes at me! Over the last year, when he puked in our bed, did I complain? No. When he puked in his bed, did I complain? No. When he puked on me, and then you, and then me again, did I complain? No! I was calm. I helped clean up. But I've told him time and time again, 'Parker, when you are feeling like you might get ill, you need to immediately get up and go to the bathroom, or at least a garbage can.' He knows better than this! He did this out of pure carelessness. I think he knew what was going to happen, and just didn't bother to get up."

At this point in our conversation, Jennifer started looking at me like I had just thrown up all over the sofa. Seeing the sickness of my soul had elicited the same response from her that seeing the sickness of Parker's body had--it was really really sad, and really, really gross.

When I was talking about the event with some people at work this week, I started to see a little more of what Jennifer was seeing. It's true, I wasn't actually mad at Parker because he threw up--what kind of parent would get mad about that! I was mad that he didn't throw up the right way.

In my warped little head, things had followed this path--I had talked to Parker, lectured him, cleaned up his mistakes many, many times before, and thought that I had finally drilled it into his head--at the first sign of an upset stomach, immediately head for bathroom (or at least a hard, tiled surface). I don't have an iron stomach, so the sight that greeted me on Sunday afternoon would have likely stunned me even under the best of circumstances. But my anger really stemmed from the fact that Parker hadn't followed the rules, and now I was going to have to give up my peaceful afternoon and clean vomit chunks out of the sofa and living room carpet. Parker had failed to live up to my "vomit righteousness" rules, and so I did a nutty.

You'd be forgiven if you thought that we had gotten to the bottom of my sin here. Let's be honest, how much worse can it get than yelling at a sick child because he has failed to live up to your standards of "vomit righteousness"? Well... at least a little worse.

You see, this is what my unbelief looks like. It is an unbelief that whispers to me that even though Christ has given me everything I could ever need, it's not enough. It is an unbelief that is so deep, so insidiously intwined in my soul, that it needs to create rules, which when obeyed, will make me feel more righteous than other people. It's an unbelief that will cling to anything to help me prove to others that I'm better than they are. I've got "washing the car correctly righteousness" and "don't stand there with the door to the fridge open righteousness" and "how come I'm the only one who mows the lawn around here righteousness" and evidently I've also go "throwing up correctly righteousness." When any of these laws are violated, or challenged, or trampled, I can then see how much I rely on my efforts to make me a good decent person, instead of the righteousness and new identity that comes from Christ, and to which I have no claim, other than that it has been given to me freely as God's child.

In the clear light of day, with no bodily function emergencies, I can see how poor and weak this is. Who in their right mind would ever choose their own rules and expectations--with their enslaving desires and miserly rewards--over the freedom and joy of loving someone else through the power of the gospel? But that's part of what unbelief is... we are not in our right minds.

I'd like to tell you that I made all of this up. I wish that this was a hypothetical illustration to demonstrate how desperately our hearts will cling to the things that are "not-Jesus" in order to uphold our illusions of control or comfort. It would be great to finish by saying that now that I've seen the errors of my way, I'll never, ever, ever do that again. But it's just not true.

What is true, is that Jesus has come (and will continue to come!!) to me to lift me out of the vomit of my self-generated righteousness time and time again. With love and patience and tenderness, he has stepped in over and over again when my unbelief has covered me, or those that I love, with the foul taint of regurgitated sin. My heart is so desperate to prove itself good, and so mistrustful of what Jesus has already given to me, that I unintentionally make up rules that I think will generate a little bit of righteousness that I can claim as my own. And then I heap contempt and scorn on those who fail to meet those same standards and earn a little bit of righteousness of their own... even when they are little boys, with upset stomachs, who tried their best not to make a mess.

I don't now what your unbelief looks like. It may be clean and cool and detached. It may have elements of true searching and honest seeking, desperate to find better answers that have been so far offered. But I'd bet that somewhere down deep, there is a little bit of a desire to be "right" on your own terms, instead of forgiven on someone else's terms--even when that someone else is Jesus. I'm right there with you, on that one.

My unbelief is messy. It stinks. It splatters all over everyone in ways that have to be cleaned up, time and time again. When I move away from utter reliance on the One Who Was Pierced for Me, even for just a moment, my heart creates dumb-ass categories like "vomit righteousness" to try and cover the inadequacies that I know are there, and that I know that can't fix. Smelling the odor of my unbelief is also what causes my heart to long for a righteousness not of my own that comes through the law (and the laws I create for others), but one that comes from Christ alone.

Blessed are the Car Washers

On Memorial Day, "the man" and I decided to tackle a little much needed maintenance work and wash my terribly dirty car. Now, I've partnered with Parker enough to know that when a five-year-old "helps" the total time of any project increases by about 150%. I also know that I'm pretty prone to getting "frustrated" (read... so caught up in my own agenda that I lose patience and inevitably end up violating Ephesians 6:4 regarding fathers exasperating their children). So I had promised myself that this time it would be different. This time it would just be me and the man, hanging out, doing our thing.    Yah, right!

Kingdom Work

Working with Parker is always a picture for me of what my "kingdom work" looks like from God's perspective. In his own way, Parker was extremely dedicated to the car washing enterprise... he was just set on doing it his own way. Water was sprayed everywhere, clean brushes and sponges were cast aside in the dirt in the pursuit of other things that caught his attention, some parts of the car were washed over and over while others seemed obliviously overlooked, and clean parts were dirtied more than dirty parts were cleaned. And up to this point, Parker was having a ball!

"Accomplishing the mission" was clearly a distant 83rd priority compared to enjoying an afternoon with me and doing something together. He wasn't worried about outcomes, or procedures or if he was doing everything right. He wasn't uptight about whether or not he was fulfilling his life's calling or stewarding his gifts well. He wasn't trying to establish his own righteousness, or build his reputation, or prove to other people that all of his years of training and education made him a superb car washer. He didn't have any worries that if he didn't use just the right amount of soap, or clean every corner perfectly that maybe his dad would love him a little less.  In fact there is no amount of expertise, experience, or skill that he was bringing to the job that I actually needed to get the car clean.  He just wanted to be with me. He just wanted to be with dad, doing something together, content to let me set the agenda.

And if I didn't work at World Harvest, this is probably where I'd let the story finish. But by now you know it doesn't end here, don't you?

Temper

About 10 minutes into our project, my "there is one, and only one right way, to do something"-righteousness began to emerge. After all, what's the point of taking the time to wash the car if you aren't going to do it well? And what kind of father would I be if I didn't teach Parker the right way (my way!) to do things? Answer: I'd be the kind of father that didn't exasperate my child over inane issues.

So within 30 seconds of me starting to show the lad proper washing technique, it all started to go wrong....

"Hey, sport! How about if you stand over here and spray this direction. That way we won't get the parts we've already washed dirty."

"Ok, now. We need to be careful. You just got daddy all wet, and we are spraying dirty suds back onto the clean parts of the car."

"Parker Thomas!! Didn't you hear what I just said?!! Get that brush off the paint, and back on the dirty wheels!"

(as I am pulling him by the arm way from the car)

"Parker Thomas Graeme Knaak!! We just cleaned that door! Do you see what you did! Do you see the mess that you've just made! Now daddy is going have to wash this all over again! Why don't you listen. Now sit there and think about what you did."

Repentance and Death

Another vow broken. Another instance of my sin-stained heart leaking all over my loved ones. Another opportunity to be "the good dad" missed. In a little over 6 minutes, Parker had gone from son to slave and he knew it.  What started out as joy and fun and being together turned into drudgery and shame and work.

And to tell you the truth, I was a lot more upset about his inability to meet the demands of my law that I was about my murderous, shaming parenting style. Until, I saw him slowly walking away, with his head downcast. Fifteen minutes ago he couldn't contain his joy. Now he looked like I had run over his stuffed dog with the lawn mower.  But did I go over there and take time out to talk to him and bring him back into relationship.  Sadly, no.  Why, you may ask?  Because I had a car to wash, or rewash as the case may be.

A little latter when we were inside I asked if we could talk.  He didn't really want to, but he agreed.  When I asked him how he thought the car washing went, he didn't say anything for a long time.  And then one, giant tear slowly formed and slid down his smooth little cheek.  That one tear was the distilled essence of my sin, not so subtly taken out on my child.

We spent a good little while talking.  ("Dad, why do you talk to me like that.  It's just rude!") And in the end I did my best to explain how my "frustration" with him indicated just how much daddy needs Jesus.  Ten years of theological higher education doesn't really prepare you for the intensity of seeing your cold-hearted idolatry trample on your little boy's heart.  I thought that I was trying to teach him how to wash a car properly.  It turns out that he was teaching me just how much Jesus had to pay in order to set me free from my sins.  I wanted him to learn how a good dad can have fun with his son.  Jesus wanted him to learn how a needy dad can model repentance.  A child's tears were the reminder that I needed to again come to grips with the fact that the blood which dripped from royal veins was shed as the only restorative capable of penetrating my sin-blackened heart.

One of the best things about having a younger child is that, much like pets and mothers, they don't hold a grudge very long.  In a little bit, we were rolling around on the floor wrestling and giggling.  All of the parenting books tell you to look for the "teachable moments" with your kids so that you can help them learn real life lessons.  None of them tell you that you are actually the one who needs to the do the learning in those moments.  

Yeah!! (oh, and I suck)

The first day I came into work at WHM, there was a stack of letters on my desk with a sticky note saying, "GRN needs to look at these." In that stack was very nice letter from two guys out in Omaha who had written a "gospel primer" type study and wondered if WHM would be interested in publishing it.

Well, after two years, countless phone calls, hundreds of e-mails, lots of reading and discussion, the first new WHM material on my watch is set to be published--The Gospel-Centered Life. The entire project excites me for a lots of reasons: I've made two new friends in Bob and Will--the study's authors, it will be WHM's first foray into e-publishing, the material is really well done and I think will be very useful to lots of peopple, and it is giving me a sense that things finally are happening as a result of my efforts (even if it has been really slow). We'll be planning to launch the publication at the PCA General Assembly in June, so check the WHM website starting in July if you want more info.

Oh... and the other thing. Even in the midst of seeing a great new study get published, I am again reminded of my need for the gospel. As we have been finishing I've felt a little nagging sense of "sure it's a good study, but...." With a little reflection, not very subtle reflection I might add, I've pinpointed the cause.

My sense of unease and discontentment is because my heart is crying out, "What about me?! I'm not going to get any credit for this! This is stuff that other people wrote. No one is going to read this and thing, 'Boy that Patric Knaak guy, is really on the ball. This is great stuff. He sure is a great teacher.'"

At heart, even though I sit at a desk most days and do behind the scenes work, I still long for the glory of being "the man"--the guy who wow's the crowd with his teaching, or writes the big study, or gets his book published. Being an unnoticed servant, in the Upside Down, Invisible Kingdom isn't what my heart longs for. My heart longs for building my own record of merit and accomplishment, seeing my own reputation increase, and leaving my mark on things in ways bring me attention and praise. Which if you think about it is twisted in gloriously sinful ways: I want be noticed for my originality and skills, instead of having Jesus noticed for his grace and mercy. (Well of course I want Jesus noticed too... as long as he doesn't get in the way of me being noticed. Oh, dear.)

I'm not sure what others might learn from The Gospel-Centered Life. I'm learning (again!) that I'm never going to outgrow my need for Jesus... and there is a lot of goodness in that.

Good News!

This year, World Harvest was named as a "Best Christian Workplace" by an outside organization that evaluates employee effectiveness, satisfaction, leadership strength and best practices.

While we aren't too wrapped up into the title, what it represents is important to us: a sense that as a Sending Center family we are continuing to grow closer to each other as we pursue excellence. The Best Christian Workplace's survey doesn't measure things like "leading by repenting" or "uncovering your idols." But it does help us know that despite the changes in leadership, a dodgy economy, the difficulty of sending, equipping and resourcing missionaries around the globe, God continues to work at WHM to enable us to be good stewards.

So, thank you to each and every one of you who has so graciously supported us, prayed for us, and encouraged us. It is a great blessing and honor for me to be able to serve at WHM as a result of your ministry to me.

Parker's Doing Great

Thanks for your prayers for Parker! His surgery went well today, and he did great. Time will tell how well the ear tubes are working and if the nasal cautery does the trick to cure the nosebleeds, but so far so good! :)  If you saw him right now, you wouldn't even know he had surgery today...we're the ones who need naps!  

Thanks again for the overwhelming support of prayer...we have felt very loved and cared for. 

Prayers for Parker--New Surgery Time

Well, Parker won't have to wait so long to eat and drink tomorrow! :)  His surgery has been moved from 12:30 pm to 7:15 am.  Thanks for your prayers.  

Prayers for Parker

After a long winter of multiple ear infections, ear pain, and resulting hearing loss, the ENT has scheduled Parker for ear tubes on Wednesday this week.  And while he's at it, Parker will also be having a nasal cautery to reduce the number of nosebleeds he gets.  He is quite excited actually, because he's been getting bloody noses since he's been a baby and "sick of it!"  

Since this involves general anesthesia, there's a certain level of anxiety, of course (on our part).  But for Parker the worst part might be that he can't eat or drink all morning before the surgery, which isn't scheduled until 12:30! ;)  

We would appreciate your prayers on Wed...and beyond.  For a smooth surgical procedure and quick recovery.  Thank you so much!

Doubts About the Speaker--CCO Debrief 3

(the following is a continuation of previous post, reflecting in my ministry and Romans 1)

[My flesh speaks loudly, encouraging me to not allow others to see my weakness when I teach]

Of course, Jesus also speaks to me too. And when he does, his voice has that strange combination of mockery, sympathy, and love that only a true, heart friend can use with you. It is one of those rare gifts that kindred spirits share--the ability to encourage and guide, done in just the particular way that will be most meaningful to you, and which by it's very nature tells you, "You matter to me. If you didn't, I'd just command, or order, or ignore you." It's rich stuff.

So when Jesus mocks-sympathizes-loves-commands me he often says something like, "Helllloooo. Patric, you twit! What are you doing worrying about this? Creating righteousness is my work, and my work alone. What possible thing do you think you could ever point to in your life, that is of any worth whatsoever when it comes to making people more like me? You want to look good. I want you help other people see how much I love you. Come, rely on my performance instead of your own. Let me have every ugly thing that you think worthless, hurtful, and black and I will take those things and show other people how much more I can offer to you and to them. You have nothing to fear or lose. You tell your part of the story--the brokenness, the idolatry, the ugliness of self love--and I'll tell my part of the story--the grace, the beauty of self-surrendering love, and the redemption that sets people free. No one needs you to redeem anything! (As if you even could! What a mess that would be.) To be redeemed and healed and cherished, they need me. And how, exactly, are you going to let them know how much they need me, if you don't have some seriously messed up crap in your life that needs to be redeemed." 

So at CCO, I gave the talk that Jesus wanted me give and not the one that I though would make me look best, or earn their respect. I talked about worshiping my idols, and murdering people in my heart when they dared to even remotely challenge those idols. I walked into the room fully dressed in my own reputation, and gifts, and abilities, and then slowly took them off--in front of 190 people I'd never met--until I was standing there in my swimsuit talking about the beauty of the cross, and my friend "Jesus the smart aleck" who also happens to be the Redeemer of the World. I invited people in, knowing that at least some of them would turn and run in horror when they heard my stuff. 

And what did it feel like? It pretty much felt just like being nailed to a cross. Well, OK, not "just like" being nailed to a cross. More like, what being nailed to a cross would feel like if they were using thumbtacks. Puncturing, but not truly deadly. (Until of course I started to get adulation from the audience for being so "authentic and honest." Then my flesh started worshiping itself for being so bold and taking so many risks for the sake of the kingdom. Ugggghhhh.... So much gospel, so little time.)

Doubts About the Speaker--CCO Debrief 2

(The following is part 2 of a short series debriefing a recent speaking experience I had--for the back story, scroll down to previous posts)

Over the last little bit as I've been thinking about my work at WHM, I've continued to come back to Romans 1:16-17:

¹⁶I am not ashamed of the gospel, because it is the power of God for the salvation of everyone who believes: first for the Jew, then for the Gentile. ¹⁷For in the gospel a righteousness from God is revealed, a righteouness that is by faith from first to last, just as it is written: "The righteous will live by faith."

So for the next several posts I'm going to do a little theological meditation on Romans 1 and my calling at WHM, through the lens of the recent CCO retreat that I and Meredith did (you can read about that event in the previous post). And for those you--like me!--who get a little worried about "theological meditation" replacing "solid exegesis" when it comes to today's bible teaching, I want to be clear. The following posts are not what I think Romans 1 teaches in an expositional sense, nor are they "my take" on Romans 1. I'm really just debriefing my heart condition with you, and Romans 1 has been the place that God has been using to cause me to think more deeply about these issues.

One of the parts of my current ministry that has been simultaneously wonderful, and I'll also admit it, pretty hard on my ego, is the way that God has been choosing to use my story to point people deeper into the gospel. The thing that is so striking about this is that:

1. I am "ashamed" about the parts of my story that God seems to use so much, and
2. The reason I am "ashamed" is because those parts of my story point out just how much I want a righteousness of my own making instead of a righteousness that comes only from God, that has been earned by Christ, and which then is given to me by faith (which is itself a gift from God).

The "main" life illustrations that God insists that I talk about center around my failures--my failure to earn a Ph.D., my failure in ministry to really love people well at my former church, my failure to consistently love Parker and Jennifer they way they deserve. I feel like every time I get up to speak at a WHM event that I'm answering the door to a formal dinner party dressed in my swimsuit! Everyone else has fine clothes, deeds and manners to hide their wobbly bits, and here I am "mid-western, winter white" with a rapidly approach, middle age flabby body, and inviting people into come into the living room of my life. My flesh screams, "No Patric don't do it again! Don't humiliate yourself like this. Don't tell them the truth. Don't reveal your flaws so deeply. They won't like you. The won't respond well. They'll reject you and your team mates will lose respect for you. Just tell a story of 'token-brokenness' and save yourself the trouble."

(continued tomorrow)

Just the Facts Ma'am--CCO Debrief 1

Thanks so much to all of you who prayed for me last week and took the time to drop us a short note! It really was wonderful and tremendously encouraging to me.

I wanted to let you know how things went. However, I'm also a big believer in short(ish) posts so that everyone can keep up. So for the next week or so, I'll publish a couple of posts that have been occasioned by the speaking invitation from the Campus Coalition for Outreach, which are also a little more heart centered. The nuts and bolts update is below; the more reflective ones will come later.

In a nutshell, the retreat/seminar went very well. There were about 190 folks there all together, mostly campus staff, although the staff from the headquarters and some prospective staff were there as well. I taught the first and last of the three, 1-hour sessions, and my colleague Meredith taught the middle 1 hour session. (Meredith is a Virginia gentlemen who often informs me that in the genteel south, names such as his are more common place--though his full name is Basil Meredith Elder III, which explains why his son's name is Josh.) We also had 2 break out sessions which were more or less small group times. The rest of the time was taken up with CCO business meeting type stuff.

Meredith and I presented a simple, WHM-esque, 3 part introduction to the gospel, with specific reference to how that plays out in ministry. For most of the audience, I think that this was their first exposure to thinking deeply about the gospel in the ways we outlined. It's always hard to know how things go at an event like this (another post to follow on that topic), but all of the initial feedback was that the material was very engaging and well received. It was really, really great being with so many "younger people" (oh, how it deeply pains me to say that, but it's true, I was older than most of the campus staff who were there)--there was passion, energy, excitement. And of course, there was pain and brokenness. For a group that I had never met, and who didn't know me from Adam, I felt like we connected pretty quickly.

Meredith and I also spent some time with a few of their senior leadership to see if there may be other ways for WHM and CCO to mutually benefit from an ongoing relationship. There are lots of possibilities there, so we'll see what the Lord may bring about. BTW, having those sorts of conversations is one of the BEST parts about my job--seeing folks who are engaged in kingdom work, from all parts of the globe, and all walks of life all asking, "How might God be cultivating our relationship to help the kingdom go forward?" is just awesome.

So thank you so, so much for your prayers and encouragement. If you have time, check out the other posts that I'll work over the next little bit--those will tell you more about how my heart has been being challenged and encouraged.

When the "Next Thing" Shouldn't be the "Next Thing"

This Thursday and Friday, I and a colleague are going to do a retreat for 180 staff of a campus outreach organization (Coalition for Campus Outreach), taking a look at what the gospel has to say specifically about our spiritual lives as ministers. And unlike previous speaking engagements I don't have a sense of fear, or dread, or "oh crap, how did I get myself into this mess (again!)."

Instead, I've been struggling with how this retreat has just become "the next thing" on my calendar. Don't get me wrong, I'm really looking forward to a few days in lovely western PA, hanging out with 20 and 30 somethings, listening to their hearts and encouraging them with God's love and grace. In fact, if you would have asked me a few years ago if this was the sort of thing that would get me excited, I would have jumped up and down and said, "Yes! Yes! Yes!"

But at the moment, I just have so many other things swirling around that this has become "the next thing" on my never ending to-do list. I think what this really highlights is my tendency to "leak the gospel." I just tend to lose track of the power, the beauty and the transformation that the cross brings into my life. And when that happens it's all too easy to look at a time of intense spiritual ministry, to a group of people who are on the front lines of the spiritual battle, as "the next thing" on my list instead of the joy and honor that it truly is.

And lo and behold, when I ask why this should be so, I keep coming back to the same basic answer: when my love for Jesus and all that he has done for me seems like old hat, my desire to share it with other people becomes just "the next thing."

So for the next little bit will you please pray that my heart will be again captured by the wonder of the gospel! Ask God to really cuddle me close to him over the next little bit as I finish up preparing for my talks. And most all, plead with our High Priest that I'll be spiritually on top of it enough to know that this event isn't about me, and get out his way so that it can be all about him.

Relaxed Intensity

Thanks to all of you who prayed for my week long retreat regarding spiritual formation and leadership issues.  It was a GREAT week.  The best description was that it was a time of "relaxed intensity."  

Every day we set aside time to meditate through scripture together and pray, catch up and talk about the day to day vagaries of being in Christian leadership, and then have intentional times of concretely inviting the others into our lives and struggles.  

We adopted an event oriented schedule where we moved from event to event, letting each event unfold fully before we moved on, regardless of time.  So for 3, non-super-high-extrovert types, having some form of non-stop conversation from 9am to midnight each night was fairly intense.

I can't tell you how important such time is for my soul, and dare I suggest it, for the other spiritual leaders in your life.  Leaders carry unique burdens because of their role as leaders. Throw some personal insecurity and normal "flesh" issues in and then mix that with the demands of family, others and the seeming never ending stream of criticism, complaining or orneriness that is part of the package and you have a context which over years and decades can erode one's soul.  

So thanks for praying for me and others, and if you ever get the chance, let me encourage you to encourage the spiritual leaders in your life to do the same.  They probably need it, even if they don't know it yet.

Speed Kills

One of the truths of the spiritual life, is that over time, speed kills. Being too busy for too long, running too hard too regularly or failing to heed Jesus' own patterns of engagement and withdrawal from ministry are all dangerous patterns.

This week, with the encouragement of my supervisor and other mentors, I'll be taking a week to "work differently" as I attend a leadership & spiritual formation retreat with a couple other 30-something leaders. In the 2 years since I started raising support to join the WHM family, I've had precious little time for personal and professional reflection in a setting organized around a rhythm of listening, silence and prayer.

If God brings us to mind this next week would you pray for 2 things?

1) Please pray for Jennifer and Parker--Jennifer is a great single parent, but it gets old for her after a while, and while I will definitely miss them, part of the purpose of my time away is to have space to listen for God's leading away from the normal routines of family.

2) Please pray that the speed and busy-ness of my last few months can be left behind and that the days I'll spend with others praying for me, speaking into my life, and pointing me to Jesus will provide a sense of refreshment far beyond what a few days away could normally bring.

Marriage (Part 3) | Five Types of Beauty

Thanks so much for praying for us again.  I wanted to give you a short update this week, even though things are little crazy this week with new candidates visiting at WHM.

Last week was a week of contrasts and complements for me.  Having time away from Jennifer and Parker always helps me "reset my love clock" for them.  Here were a few of the things I saw last week that struck me as beautiful.

1. Overwhelming Physical Splendor--The Monterey peninsula in N. CA is just drop dead gorgeous.  Famous golf courses, towering cliffs, waves crashing on rocks, enormous sand dunes, capering seals, giant kelp... it's got it all.  As a "non-nature guy" I was overwhelmed by God's creativity and artistry.
   
2. Simple Things, Often Overlooked--As I was walking on the rocks and on the beach I just kept noticing little fascinating details.  Nothing as jaw dropping as the things listed above, but I had a sense that the type of beauty God creates in our world is "scaleable."  No matter how big, or how small, there is an intricacy to God's handiwork that is overwhelming. 
3. The Struggle to Live Authentically--I was deeply touched time and time again as our retreat speakers, and those attending were willing to open their lives--the good, the hard, the painful, the beautifully broken being redeemed by Jesus--to us.  There is a strange beauty that comes from a soul being mastered by Christ and broken on the crux of his love, so that it can become more humble and reliant.  I got to be part of that last week in some tender ways.
4. Laughter--As always at a World Harvest event, there was plenty of conversation, tears and laughter.  I'm amazed at how the most plain people temporarily shed the mortal disguise we so readily wear when genuine mirth and laughter comes out of them.  I count it a sacred duty to help others laugh.  
5. A Tearful Wife and Fever Filled Little Boy--It was hard on Jennifer and Parker to let me go last week.  There were tinges of the "old loneliness" that returned for Jennifer, and Parker was sick this last weekend.  The beauty though came from hearing Jennifer point herself to Jesus as her only hope, and from hearing my hoarse little boy clamor "Daddy, Daddy" when I rolled in on Saturday am at 7:30, and then again during the weekend when he was tender and cuddly in the midst of a fever.

Those were the five ways I experienced beauty last week.  The sixth, but not confined to last week, is in your prayers.  I truly appreciate the way you continue to uphold us in your thoughts and prayers.

Thank you.

Marriage (part 2)

(Please see the previous post for the first 2 requests)

Big Prayer Requests for Marriage in Ministry Conference:

1) Satan is definitely at it again. In the midst of the rush of last minute details and preparation, I've seen tell tale signs of his work. I've got another cold. This past fall/winter I think I've actually been sick more than I've been well. Nothing huge, but at the moment I don't have much of a voice. So please pray that I'd still be able to work well and that the 6.5 hour flight doesn't completely sap my remaining energy and ability to speak. Also all of the travel of the last few months has gotten Jen and I a little out of sync. Pray that I'd really die to self and love my bride well this week, even as I leave to minister to other couples.

2) Pray for Jennifer while I'm gone. She's working on our taxes, general household chores, our never ending list of home repairs, and taking care of Parker without the break that daddy can give when he gets home from work and lets the cub pounce on him for a while. She's truly a remarkable woman.

3) Pray for the couples who are coming. Even though I don't "know" most of them, we've gathered enough information to know that there will be hurting ministry couples there. Pray that God's Spirit would work mightily in their lives, in ways that would be beyond just what a 2- day retreat would normally be able to provide. I have so much compassion and love for ministry folk, and most of the time, I feel that I have so little to offer. (Which is good reminder that I don't actually have ANYTHING to offer, other than the Gospel.)

And because I just know that you are dying to see the rest of the top ten list that I posted last time, here it is in it's entirety. (Remember that this was written as advice to a childhood friend who was getting married, based on my own marital experience.)

Patric’s Top Ten Tips for Enjoying the Marital State:

10) There is one and only one proper response to the question, “Does this make my butt look big?” Said with feeling and a straight face:“By all that is holy and right in the world, not at all!!” I know that saying, “Yes, but I love you anyway” really seems like a winner, but trust me it isn’t.

9) Despite early appearances, it is possible for a married man to find complete satisfaction in only having 1/100th the closet space that his wife does. She's going to throw away all of your favorite jeans and sweatshirts anyway, so you'll probably need a lot less space than you think you do.

8) Flush.

7) “If you are going to the fridge could you get me another beer,” does not in fact count as meaningful conversation. (Who knew?)

6) Your mother-in-law is a wonderful person. (Keep saying this until you start to believe it. Just kidding folks!! MY mother-in-law is truly a wonderful person! [Nudge, Nudge. Wink, Wink. See how easy it is.])

5) Put the seat down. Always. (I still don’t know why this is so hard for the opposite sex to check for themselves, after all guys can’t just “let ‘er rip” without checking to see if the lid is up, but you’re going to have to make some concessions, so you may as well start now.)

4) You should just know right now that while there will be no end to the things you must learn how to do, or not do as the case may be, in order to become a better husband, wives don’t have to change a darn thing. (Actually wanted to use a different word in that last sentence, but Jennifer doesn't allow me to say it anymore.)

3) A loving pet will buy you between 3-6 years (or 11 in my case!!) before she really starts pestering you for a kid of your own. Until then, keep her well away from any babies. They look harmless, but they aren't.

2) There is no shame in purchasing “feminine hygiene products” in public. (Keep repeating like the mother-in-law mantra.)

If you've already been offended so far, I'd suggest you just skip this last one.

1) There is no difference between your wife’s good cooking and her bad cooking if you still want to keep having sex. It’s all gooood!! ;-)

Marriage (part 1)

I've been thinking a lot about marriage lately since WHM is putting on a conference for couples in ministry next week that I'll be leading and on the speaking team for. And I'd like to ask you to pray for me.

BUT... as small inducement and for your added enjoyment, I'm going to include both a few specific prayer requests, and a Top Ten List about marriage that I had originally wrote to send to a childhood friend who was tying the knot. I'll post it in two parts so check back in a few days.

Big Prayer Requests for Marriage in Ministry Conference:

1) That my material will come together. I've really been struggling over this last year to figure out how to become a more effective conference speaker. But one of the hardest things I've had to deal with is not being able to just teach through a passage of scripture from beginning to end. Most of my talks need to do something a little different than that. So I am again trying something new in an effort to get better.

2) That the Holy Spirit would really, really work in my life. There is almost nothing that is going to be taught that I don't need to have in my own life a lot more. So pray that my heart would continue to be broken over my sin and hardness toward Jennifer.

If you are going to pray for me, then feel free to keep reading. (If you aren't going to pray for me, you can still keep reading, but know that I'll be giving you the stink eye as you do.)

Patric’s Top Ten Tips for Enjoying the Marital State:

10) There is one and only one proper response to the question, “Does this make my butt look big?” Said with feeling and a straight face: “By all that is holy and right in the world, not at all!!” I know that saying, “Yes, but I love you anyway” really seems like a winner, but trust me it isn’t.

9) Despite early appearances, it is possible for a married man to find complete satisfaction in only having 1/100th the closet space that his wife does. She'd going to throw away all of your favorite jeans and sweatshirts anyway, so you'll probably need a lot less space than you think you do.

8) Flush.

7) “If you are going to the fridge could you get me another beer,” does not in fact count as meaningful conversation. (Who knew?)

6) Your mother-in-law is a wonderful person. (Keep saying this until you start to believe it. Just kidding folks!! MY mother-in-law is truly a wonderful person! [Nudge, Nudge. Wink, Wink. See how easy it is.])

If you'd like to see the rest of the list, tune in again in the next few days to get a few more of my "I'm both nuts and needy" prayer requests.

Thanks for praying~